As of today 3 months ago..... my world came crashing down as most of you know and it's still so weird to me because it feels like such a short time ago. But 3 months is a long time and I gotta tell you..... I don't feel any less pain than I did when it first happened. Days are still hardly bearable and I'm still left with a billion questions. Life hurts..... without her to fight for it's hard to figure out what to do with myself and I guess that's really the only reason I'm doing this post. I kept clicking back to facebook and to other sites. I look at the little bit of her profile I can see often.... and it kills me to not know a damn thing about what's going on in her life. Saw her friend comment on one of her photos asking how she was doing and when she replied "Wonderful :)" it just was a punch to the gut. Yes, I love her and want her happy but that only goes so far..... I could've gave happiness that no other guy will be able to do. I'd dedicate all I have to her and making her happy. She gave up before giving it the chance. If we were together and closed the distance (like I was trying to do), she wouldn't have even thought about leaving me. Every day would be perfect because I'd wake up and kiss her good morning, I'd say something like, "Good morning beautiful", I'd tell her periodically throughout the day that I love her, we'd be able to hug, kiss, and cuddle, all the time, I'd plan romantic nights for us..... just so many things we could've had together. She'll never understand the imprint she made on me and my life. It just....... tears me to absolute shreds knowing she's going to settle for less. I'm not conceited... I know there are probably a lot of great guys out there for her..... but I just know that no matter how great a guy is for her, he'll never begin to dedicate all that he has for her like I did. I fell in love with her for countless reasons and I was going to spend my life proving that. *sigh* My brain isn't naive, it tells me that there are approx. 7 billion people in the world and I am bound to find someone else, but maybe I don't want that.... because after all, I found someone who made me inexplicably happy and took all the pain and sadness from life away. She gave me every ounce of drive to making us last.... despite the painful distance. I love her for more than words are capable to be expressed. I somehow hold onto this hope each day that she'll return and I still pray to that God I don't believe in each night in hopes that my pleads are strong enough to pull me from this hellish nightmare. I don't focus all my time on her.... I do however do things with my life. I've been working A LOT on my skateboarding and improving, I play a lot of guitar now, I started on a model car, I try to hang out with friends as much as possible. She doesn't run my life..... but she does give me drive towards fighting through this. I hate how it all happened when there was no justifiable reason.... but someday, there will be a lesson learned from this, whether it be her learning that she was too quick to give up, or me discovering that damn clichéd phrase "There are more fish in the sea" is true. Whatever the case may be, I still hope on all I have that her and I are where our lives are meant to be, because every bit of beauty we had together I beg on my hands and knees for, for the rest of our lives.
Maria Barkett, though you are more than likely not reading this...... I love you..... for everything that you are. Forever and Always. (6/12/12)
