Life has been (and still is) a huge emotional rollercoaster...

I want to apologize for the lack of posts.... it's hard to get any sort of motivation for anything anymore. As most of you who read my blog know, I lost the love of my life nearly 3 months ago and let me tell you, there hasn't been a damn bit of healing though the process. I spend every waking second thinking about her, I think of all the memories and life we would've had, I wish on every 11:11 and shooting star, I pray to a God I don't believe in often, and I continuously break more each day. There is no amount of words to express enough how much of a spiral into a place darker than pitch black I am in. I still can't help but to cry over her... I can't help but to hope that someday all of this makes sense and that we had to fall apart completely before being able to be truly happy but with the lack of answered wishes or prayers, I lose a little more hope each day. The only thing keeping me going IS that hope that I so desperately cling to. I try to think rationally about this.... yes, there are 7 billion other people in the world and the overwhelming odds of me not finding someone else is close to none, but if you also think about it this way, you have to factor out all the men (since I'm obviously straight), factor out women who are not around my age, factor out women who are lesbian, women who aren't my type, etc....etc.....etc. The real jist of it is that really, there are a very small number of people who are perfect for someone. I happened to find one of those girls and I don't want to let her go. Honestly, even if I know another "perfect girl" was in reach, I wouldn't want that. The fact of the matter is, I was perfectly happy and content with Maria and nothing can ever begin to replace the way I felt for her. She was the girl I promised the rest of my life to. How can I just let something so deep and meaningful go? The worse of all this is, she and her family feel I'm "obsessive" and "mentally unstable".... I fully understand why it may seem that way. It's rare in this day and age to see someone as dedicated as I am. The only person I've seen from personal experience is my father. He still proves his love to my mother to this day. But, if I am this so called "obsessive", why is that such a bad thing? How is it harmful to absolutely love someone with everything you have and would give all of yourself to them so willingly? How is it looked down upon that all I ever want is to treat her with love and respect for the rest of my life? If that's what "obsession" is defined as, then oh well.... I am proud to be "obsessed" then because the feeling is by far one of the greatest feelings in the world.... even despite all the pain. I'd rather love her and be hurt than to not feel love and have a meaningless void of a heart. I would love to go back and change some things so that I could give her every possible reason to have stayed... but I can't and it kills me..... but you know what? I would do the relationship I had with her a billion times over. The happy times outweigh all the sad times. The feeling of her lips against mine and the gentle but comforting embrace of her arms around me is a feeling that I will remember for the rest of my life. I just need to keep holding on.... I believe that life will work itself in the direction that will eventually make me happy.... and I hope on everything I have that Maria is the biggest part of that. I love her, god I do..... with every fiber in my being. I'd do anything for her. I just need to keep believing in some way or another that she and I will be "us" again... and if it takes time, she's worth the wait. I know that I'll decide what to do as life progresses each day. It won't be wasted time because I'm standing by what I believe in.

Anyways, I had a lot to get off my chest.... life is a bitterness I live each day, but ultimately... it's for a good cause. And Maria.... if by some rare, close to minimal chance that you are reading this..... just know that I will love you FOREVER AND ALWAYS and will cherish every bit of what we had for the rest of my days. I'll always be there for you.... whether it be as someone to talk to, or just someone to reside in your heart... I'll always be some little part of you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong and if I had the power to change it all, god knows I would. I love you.. beyond the vast expanses of this infinite universe. And if for some reason me posting this makes you mad or sad, I'm sorry.... I just needed to express this. I just needed someone to know that I love a girl who is undeniably perfect for me in every way and that no matter what has and will happen, you are the biggest part of me. Hope life is okay for you...

It's 3:28 am as I type this.... I should go to bed now. /End post.

Dedication ISN'T obsession.

There is a finely drawn line between dedication and obsession. Yes, I still send her a good morning text every morning. Yes, I still tell her each day that she is beautiful and that I love her. Yes, I haven't been able to heal even as time progresses. Yes, the pain is nearly unbearable. Yes, I still confess to her how much she means to me and how to dear to my heart she is. Yes, I still keep hope that there will be a second chance.... a whole new beginning......a beautiful and permanent redemption at "us". Yes, I still cry very often over her. Yes, I pray to a god I don't even believe in. Yes, there is a possibility there will never be a second chance. But guess what, it's not a foreign idea to be strong willed and dedicated to something... or rather someone. To some, I may seem obsessive..... but is it really so difficult of an idea to understand that I met the true love of my life? I mean, if you look at all the facts.... I spent over a year with her after having gone to know her for 4 months prior to out relationship. We had to face the distance, family disapproval, lonliness, having to keep our relationship secret from said disapproving family for months at a time..... having to talk ONLY on facebook for an HOUR a day for 4 months, facing doubts and insecurities, etc. I've withstood ALL of that, which would normally be a grounds for someone giving up, but I hadn't and why? Because, I found someone who makes each heartbeat worth staying alive through. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life and it's nice to have something set in stone. It's nice to know that I WILL always and forever love her no matter how much it hurts. The fact is, life is about making the best of it.... and in order to do so, you have to fight for the things you want.... nobody says it's easy and most people just take the easy route and settle for the things that are more promising for them. But to be honest, I'd rather look back on my life knowing I dedicated everything I had to what I want most, rather than to have wasted the time "settling" for things that were less than I wanted. This is a fight I have to keep fighting and whether or not it ends with a happily ever after or a dark voided nothingness.... it's worth every second. At least I can look at this and see that I learned a lot about myself and the lengths I'm willing to go for someone who means so much. And at least she knows that she means everything to me. Otherwise, why WOULD I do the things I do? The biggest fact of all of this.... to put it very simply is that...... well...... I love her, still to this day as I always have and not a single shred of those feelings have faded even being as hard as things have gotten. 

Thanks to whoever had read this and supports me. I didn't intend on it being so long, or it really being more than a couple lines... but I got to venting and because I feel so passionately about this, my words just tend to flow out like pen to parchment.