A rare, beautiful... yet, heartbreaking story...... MY story.

I have a story to tell, and whether or not it's true is for you to figure out. It IS going to be long, but it's very passionate, very well written, and will make even the strongest of hearts melt..... here's the story....

There was once a boy who even in his freshman year of highschool was looking for love.... he always was hoping for his high school sweetheart because he wanted the story of how him and an amazing girl stayed together through high school and got married and lived a happy life together. Unlike many people in this world, he knew exactly what he wanted and no matter how diffcult things would become, he never gave up hope and never stopped fighting for what he wanted. Through high school, relationships for him came and went and though he had strong feelings for a couple of them, in all reality, they were easy to let go. Although there was one girl more difficult to get over than the other and even when he thought he was over her and had moved on, she came back into his life for a hope of a second chance.... like an ignoramous, he decided to give her that but as time progressed, before they could see eachother in person again, she decided they were better as friends. Then one day, shortly before his high school prom, she did a beautiful romantic gesture and showed up at his school holding up a sign saying "Take me to prom?" and he couldn't help but to give in..... only to later find how huge of a mistake that was...... HOWEVER, only to an extent..... to an extent because fate works itself around in painful, mischeivous ways to get you to where you belong. He took her to dinner, bought the tickets for prom, spent the gas money to drive to prom.... he felt like he was going to have his second chance with her again after they'd slow dance in the crowded room, but come to find out, they didn't dance once and he wasted so much money and time on her, he talked to her about it at prom and ended up making her upset where they had to leave early. Their friendship started to fade and he was in a very tough place..... until he met....... HER. 

In February 2012, he was still getting over that girl and decided to go on YouTube. He listened to their old song and commented on the video about how much he missed her and wished he had a chance.... but little did he know, by that simple comment, his life would inevitibly change. A few days passed by and he checked his youtube inbox like usual, but this time.... he had a comment reply. A very sweet and caring girl replied to him saying how great of a guy he is and how he doesn't deserve that mistreatment, so even as a stranger, she said she'd love to help him through it. Thinking nothing of it, he decided to take her up on that offer thinking it'd be just a friendly conversation as she helped him get over the girl, and they'd never speak again..... this was far from what actually happened. The two started to become friends.... really good friends...... VERY good friends. She was very thoughtful and caring, he really connected with her. He knew he could talk to her about anything and everything and subconsiously, he would get excited to talk to her. They then started to talk on facebook. He looked into her pictures and was absolutely breathtaken.... she was gorgeous..... the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on but he felt she was way out of his league and didn't see her as more than a friend. (Even though he knew he liked her just from her personality alone, before he saw her) They would talk every day for hours at a time and even late into the night.... see, she lived 3 hours in time difference away, 2,136 miles away to be exact. So they'd stay up talking til about 1 am his time and 4 am her time. She was stubborn about going to bed, but she really enjoyed talking to him. They started falling for eachother, and as scary as it was confessed it on June 7th, 4 months about after they met. Then the weekend after graduation, he had gone away with some friends on a camping trip while she patiently waited for him to get back. God, he missed her..... he thought about her every moment of the day and couldn't shake the feeling that, "wow, I love her... I have to tell her". He and his friends took a hike way into the mountains and they were able to get cell reception up there.... so he took out his phone in hope of getting his chance to tell her he loved her.... he couldn't wait any longer, but sadly.... no service on his phone.... and he still had two days to wait. The trip was fun grant it, but he still wished more than anything he could talk to her. He got back and immediately got on the computer; before unpacking, before changing, and gawd forbid.... before showering. He simply couldn't wait to talk to her. He told her about the trip and she really missed him, but he was too nervous to tell her that day. The next day, they were talking..... being really sweet towards eachother, and he just knew it was time. He knew how much he was throwing on the line. There was a girl 2,136 miles away from him and yet, he never felt so close to someone in his life. He said, "I'm ready to say three words.... three words that are the most terrifying yet beautiful words one can say to another. Three words that really prove the meaning of someone to another. three words I DO NOT expect you to say back and actually please don't unless you are completely ready and mean them 100%

These three words I don't have any reason not to say because I feel them.....hold on and be prepared.... I LOVE YOU. You've taken my heart and I've fallen completely. As crazy as it seems.... It happened. " and the seconds to follow were the longest seconds ever..... what would she think? Would she feel that's crazy? Would they be something or would she leave him alone? She replied....... three words returned back and his heart skipped a beat, and in that moment.... he felt the world shift. Something special was changing about his life and he didn't know what yet. The next day they talked on the phone for the first time and her voice was that of an angel. Their relationship developed and they fell harder and harder each day..... thinking time and distance were merely just words..... when the worst could happen, it did. They broke up, but not by their choosing.... in August (2 months after that first "I love you") Her parents didn't want her with someone so far away and wanted her to focus on her life more. But they loved eachother far too much, a week of being broken up was too much to bear so they got back together in secret. They had to talk for an hour a day on facebook for about 4 months to keep it secret.... but it was worth those short hours they spent, because they had something real and truly special. Her family finally found out and decided that even though they disapproved, we were serious about eachother and nothing would break us. The next 9 months or so to follow were both beautiful and very difficult. They had many close break-up calls but would grow and become stronger from them, strenthening their love. They had doubts and fears almost unbearable, but worked through them. They had many lonely nights.... but talking to eachother always made it worth the seconds. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days, and so on.... but they never gave up. They had something rare and something far more beautiful than anyone could see. 

But, some good things come to an end. There reached a point in time where she reached a very hard part in her life and became very depressed and doubtful in their relationship. He would do everything he could to console her.... he'd be loving, caring, compassionate, he'd do special LONG detailed texts about their lives together called "Eyes closed texts".... where he'd have her close her eyes after reading the text and imagine those beautiful moments. And they were always moments he was going to strive hard to give her. But she just wasn't getting better and started feeling a loses of spark, they broke up again..... he was heartbroken and did everything imaginable to win her over, but it was no use until she mentioned that if he were there, she'd feel differently, so secretly, he made a last minute decision to fly over to where she was after having been saving money for months. He told her a week before flying over there. He had to save their relationship. So the day came, his wonderful family drove him to the airport and he was taking the biggest journey of his life thus far. He was about to hold the girl of his dreams in his arms for the first time. He arrived early and while she was at work. They made plans to meet after work and her stay in his hotel because her family didn't know he was there, until the day of. They found out and he had to meet them. Her and her dad picked him up at his hotel the next day and his heart raced as the moments lead up to him meeting her, he walked out his hotel room door and walked towards the office, to see their car parked there. He started running, faster than he'd ever ran before.... she got out of the car to meet him and he held her tightly in his arms, feeling the world fade around.... feeling her heart beat against his and he whispered in her ear, "I'm finally right where I want to be" they pulled back and gazed into one another's eyes, smiling, in complete shock that they were actually together, he met her dad and apologized for all the bad things they did in their relationship. He was very nice and forgiving. They went out to a nice dinner, but the most amazing part of the night.... when they got to their house...... he talked with her dad for awhile, he played piano for her, and then they went out into the backyard.... at 10ish at night..... the cool summer breeze..... the fireflies all around..... the starry night sky above them... it was perfect. They sat in a swing and cuddled and he just couldn't resist it any longer, he lifted her chin and gave her the most passionate kiss he had ever given to anyone.... one with true emotions and love. The world vanished around and it was just the two lovers in blissful happiness in one another's embrace. It was the best moment of his life. They also slow danced to no music under the stars, it was all surreal. They had to take him back to his hotel and even though he was bummed the night was over, he'd get to see her the next day. They gave eachother a goodnight kiss and he felt at peace again. They were a couple again and his life was looking upward. The next day was just as amazing, he met her mom and step dad, and her siblings. They had a nice lunch at a restaraunt. They got back and cuddled on the couch for hours before he had to go back to the airport to fly home. The time came, it was time to leave..... the drive to the airport was bittersweet. He knew he had the best moments with her than he's ever had and he was not ready to go, but he looked forward to the next time. She walked him into the airport. As they stood in line for the ticket counter, they just held eachother tightly... not really saying anything because it was a sad moment. They looked at eachother with love and smiled because at least they knew it wouldn't be the last time..... So they thought, but I'm getting ahead of myself. SHe walked him to security before having to leave, they held eachother so close and so tight.... fighting back a waterfall of tears. He kissed her passionately but that wasn't enough, before she walked away completely, he pulled her back again for one last beautiful kiss to hold him over for awhile.... it was a romantic perfect moment before having to say their "I love you's" and "goodbyes". The plane ride home was long and very sad for him, he didn't know how long it'd be again, but he longed for her kisses, her simple touch, and her embrace..... but he never lost hope. Their relationship remained beautiful and strong, talks about her visiting, and their future together made the time worth it..... but that only lasted for about a month, when the worst finally happened...... they broke up for the 3rd and maybe last time....

....his heart shattered..... his chest collapsed..... he couldn't breathe...... he did everything in his power to try to convince her to stay and nothing was working..... she found someone else...... and he couldn't bear the thoughts of how that man will never take the time of day to making damn sure each moment is perfect. He would cry himself to sleep every night, he'd break down at random times throughout the day, he would wish on 11:11, he would wish on shooting stars, he would even pray to the God he doesn't believe in simply because he couldn't handle losing the love of his life. The love he promised his life and heart to and labeled as "The girl of my dreams" on his bucketlist. He tried to be there for her when her new interest would make her sad, he tried to remain a good friend for her, but it was unspeakably painful..... he watched as everything he ever wanted slipped away..... farther and farther.... like grains of sand through one's fingers.. He still sends her a good morning text each day, he still tells her he loves her because not a single shred of his feelings have been lost for her..... she would say there's never a chance for them again and even though his heart was gone from him, he still keeps hope with what's left of him, that they can have a second chance. He had planned on speninding his life with her, he saw her as his future wife and mother of their children. He saw a billion unexpressably beautiful moments with her and he couldn't imagine as hard as he tried, that he may never as long as he lives, gets that with her. And the thought of someone else is so far out of his realm, that it's impossible to speak of. He loves her, still to this very day.... as time ticks by every second...... seconds feel like years, he doesn't know how to be okay anymore..... his life falls apart around him....... and he cries as he types this...... the story of how he met the perfect woman, the love of his life...... and how she is no longer his...... he barely holds onto her friendship..... he clings to the last things he has from her..... the letters, the messages, the photos...... he dies every day a little more because his heart beat weakens as she gets more distant...... what can he do to save it? How can he be happy again? He needs her...... more than anything in this world. He loves her and will love her......

.......

Forever....... and always....

Passion rant again.... through video...

Very passionate... thanks for watching

extremely short but meaningful post....

11 simple words.... I love her and miss her so much it kills me..

..another passion rant... the feelings just don't go away.

...The very worst part about all that has been happening in my life is that I have to hide behind fake happiness and smiles. The truth is, every part of me is dying and no matter how hard I try to save myself, I just can't. I don't really talk to anybody about all of this because I can't stand the words "You need to move on". The thing is, nobody can begin to understand why that's such an impossible concept for me at the moment. I can try to explain it, but it probably won't make too much of a difference. Losing Maria, was essentially losing a part of myself. She was my better half because what I lack in being a good person, she is. For example, purity. Another big factor of why it's so hard to move on is because I had planned my whole life around her. There's a lot in life that hasn't gone right for me. I worked my ass of through school, took college courses as a freshman, did pretty good on my SAT's, and applied for many scholarships and yet, I didn't get a damn grant or scholarship. Maria was that one thing in my life that was always going just how I wanted it. She was what made me happier than anything and made it so worth waking up and going to work each day, because I knew that it would bring me one step closer to being with her. She was my motivation to keep going and keep fighting because the future I had with her was inexplicably beautiful. It made every long work day, the distance, the lonely nights, the lack of a hug or kiss.... 110% worth it.

I always made sure to show her just how happy she made me, why she means so much.... I always told her exactly what was on my mind because in my mind, all I could think about was how lucky I always felt and how much I cherished having such a perfect girlfriend. It doesn't make a single bit of sense why she'd just throw the best treatment in the world away.... I did nothing wrong and she even told me that. I tried talking to her about it to get some closure, and all she did was explain how if I didn't stop, she'd block me from her life completely. I couldn't bear that, so I stopped.... and now, I continue to have unanswered questions and looming confusion. I'd like to ask her all of these questions:

1. Why her feelings about our future together changed?
2. Why she can't seem to fight for the relationship like she used to and have the passion I do?
3. Whether or not it was hard for her breaking up with me? (Because she doesn't seem like it, and she moved on to someone else in less than a week of us breaking up)
4. Why she doesn't understand how heartbroken I am?
5. Why she'd give up a man who'd always treat her like a beautiful princess?
6. Why she doesn't see that if we stay together, our relationship could easily get stronger if we work through it?
7. Why she says she is tired of being lonely when I was there to talk to every day?
8. (hand in hand with #7) Why physical contact is such a big deal? Like for example, I talked to her every day... and was always available to SEE on skype. I'd talk to her just the same and love her just the same as if I were with her. Why is it such a big deal that she receives hugs and kisses and not just be patient until the next time we'd be together?
9. Why she made it seem like promises meant the world to her and then broke her promises to me?

And to side rant on question 9... Promises.....I always believed that a promise should be binding and that you should never break them. I know it's just a word, but there's a lot of emotion and trust behind it. I promised to never give up on her no matter how hard things got and look at me now, still fighting for her because I love her and promised to always prove that. The worst part about a promise from somebody you deeply love, is when they really build up their promise so that you'll trust them and then they break it and it hurts tremendously. Why is it so easy for people to break a promise? How can a person feel something deeply with their heart one moment and then just throw away something so important and meaningful. I just ask that if you can't prove yourself to a promise, don't make it to someone..... the pain they will feel is just unbearable.

It's so hard to make it through each day..... I can't talk to her when I want, I have to wait for her to message me. I can't tell her I love her a bunch of times during the day. I can't send her long texts of how I feel about her. I can't think straight because I think of her new boyfriend kissing her and not taking the time of day to make sure it's perfect. I can't distract myself enough to put her out of my mind for at least a second. I went to dinner with my roommates and we were in a crowded restaraunt with lots of noise, my roommates talking to me, and yet, all I could do was look through all the old selfie pictures she sent me (it was something I really loved her doing) and try to refrain myself from crying. It's just so hard to even think remotely that I may never have a chance with her again. I had my life mapped out so perfectly with her.... I have that bucketlist item that will always be there and never be completed unless she comes back.... it hurts to know that I may never have that beautiful moment of gazing into her eyes at the alter just before we're pronounced as man and wife.... and not getting to slow dance with her in that spotlight at our reception as the room vanishes around us. I can't breathe knowing I may never wake up beside the love of my life as she lays in blissful sleepy peace. I suffer at the thought of not getting to see her or talk to her when I get home from work.

I am not one to believe that self harm is EVER a way to solve anything, and I still don't think it would, but yet my life is at such a low point that I've held a blade to my wrists quite a few times. I just can't follow through with it because I know that it'd upset her ultimately and I wouldn't want her to come back out of pity instead of actual change of heart. And plus, I wouldn't have the pain tolerance for that. And as a third reason, I can't imagine hurting myself on purpose, sure people cut themselves every day on accident, but that's exactly why it's not so bad..... you didn't know it was coming so you couldn't stop it or know how much it'd hurt. Another thing I've been doing with my life lately is wishing on 11:11 every time it comes up, looking for shooting stars, and praying to God.... even being mostly atheist. I want to give every possibility of her coming back to me even though I don't believe in a single one of those things considering non of my pleas or prayers have ever come true. I just want the off chance that my pleas are answered..

I'm just so tired of waking up and dragging my feet all day because I'm not okay... I'll never be as okay as I should be if the love of my life isn't a part of my life...

....God I love her, there's so many uncountable things I would give to have her back....









I love her so much.... *tears commence*...... I want my angel back....

Passion expression #2.... I thought last night was enough, but it just wasn't...

..I thought last night would be enough of a rant for me, but I guess I realize further each day I'll basically never be able to express how I feel. I was holding back tears today like I do pretty much every day. I always tend to wander in thought and the one thing always on my mind is Maria. I keep thinking about how I may never get to kiss her again, or hold hands with her in the car as I drive, or take her to special places I wanted to take her. I always saw myself coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen cooking dinner... and I'd walk up behind her, grab her around the waist, kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear that I missed her and that I love her. It's so simple and yet so perfect.... and it kills me to know I may never get to do something so simple as that. I miss just telling her I love her just to remind her. I miss hearing it back, with the beautiful way her voice would sing the words.... like an angel. I always imagined just sitting close on the couch as we watch a movie, and me just turning to stare at her. I would stare until she turned and asked "What?" while smiling, and I'd smile back and say, "I'm just lucky... I love you sweetheart" and I'd put my arm around her and pull her tight to me and just hold her like the world is about to end. I hate that I had all these simple but oh so beautiful thoughts and I have to bear the agony of possibly never getting them....

I just always thought our story was incredible. If one second later had gone by, I may have never met her. There's millions of people who use YouTube each day, and many upon many going through what I was going through (sad about a previous breakup) and Maria picked ME of all people to comfort and be here for me. I fell for her so fast because she was so compassionate, funny, smart, beautiful, and just all around breathtaking. I always felt like she was out of my league and that I was lucky to have her. She always made me feel like the only guy who mattered in her life, she made me feel handsome, most of all.... she made me happy..... happier than I'd ever been and more than I can express. I wanted to really be different and break the stigmas of society. I knew we would've had a relationship where we'd always fight to keep a strong love and we'd always stay faithful. I wanted to show the world that you can overcome the distance and the hardships. I wanted people to be amazed at our wedding that despite everything that happened, there we were at the alter vowing our lives together. I learned so much about myself and about love in the year we were together. I never found it in my heart once that I wanted to give up because I had the world with her. My heart just doesn't beat the same anymore.... almost as if it's slowly beating, just enough to keep me alive. I feel empty.... I feel broken...... I feel lost..

Everything I ever wanted was right within my grasp and yet life's unfair attitude decided that her and I can't be together. God, I'd give anything to have her.....

People say I should move on, but nobody can begin to understand why that's impossible for me. I had my life mapped out with her. Everything about my future made sense and was clicking together. I had finally got to meet her in person and I fell harder than ever before for her.... within the way we'd kiss, hug, and just look at eachother. She was going to come visit soon and we were going to finally have the beautiful moment of falling asleep together.... which was always one of her most favorite thoughts because I gave deep detail how that'd be. The jist is that I would've ran my fingers over her soft skin and caress her cheek.... maybe run my fingers through her hair as I whisper loving things to her.... and I'd watch her, in her most peaceful place as she drifts off to sleep and I'd feel happy.... at home.... in her embrace. And I saw us starting our life together soon after... waking up to one another each morning with the gentleness of a touch and the passion of a sweet goodmorning kiss. But that's gone.... everything I want in life is gone.... and why? Where did I go so wrong in life to see the love of my life drift away from me.... and worst of all, she's with another guy now. A guy who will never NEVER dedicate himself like I have.... and she even knows that. A guy who did/does drugs and yet she calls me unpure.... he ignores her from time to time and it's painful to see her upset about it because 1. She deserves better treatment than that, and 2. That I never ignored her.... I always made all my time for her because that's what made me happy and it was an added bonus that it made her happy too. It's sad to think that he gets tired of her and has to ignore her... when he should feel utmost lucky to even have her to begin with. She's an angel and he's not going to give her the time of day to appreciating what she may do for him.

I hate crying every day, I hate feeling life fly by me without my angel to share it with. Every day feels the same except for one detail, that each and every goddamn day is the worst day of my life. Usually after a breakup, you start to heal as time progresses, but 2 1/2 weeks about has gone by and I hurt more each day. And I am forced to hide behind smiles.... nobody could look at me and see how much I'm shattering. I could stand in the middle of a crowd and yet, I'd feel like a blank face in an empty room. I just don't understand what changed. Our relationship was going amazing, we were skyping just about every day and talking on the phone again. We were really happy.... talking about life together and out of nowhere we just fall apart.... and I feel so distant from her when in all reality, I know everything about her. I know what makes her laugh, cry, happy.... I know the important things like why the ring she wears on her middle finger left hand is so important to her. I know even the irrelevant little things like why she has a classroom size whiteboard mounted on her wall in her bedroom. She wanted to be a teacher when she was a little girl and she'd use the whiteboard to "teach her kids".

I feel I'm the only guy who deserves to have her. I'm not concieted, I just KNOW in all my heart that I'd never stop proving to her each and every day why and how much I love her.

I want her..... more than anything else in the world. I want to feel alive again. I hate waking up with no sense of direction. I hate waking up with nothing to look forward to. God, I miss her.... I miss being such an important part of her life..... she'll just never understand the lifechaging impact she made on me.

...I...... I love her.....

...I need to let out a lot of passion and emotion... A LOT of passion....

...I guess I just need to write down all my thoughts, but instead of writing it down, I want to type it on this blog because I just have this deep hope that someone out there is reading this and really feels for me, really understands where my life is at. I've discovered through the past couple weeks that my life is at it's very lowest point and the worst part is, each day hurts more than the last. As most of you who read my blog regularly know, I had been in a Long Distance Relationship for over a year with the most incredible girl in the world and we broke up about 2 weeks ago.... now there's more than meets the eye with this breakup.... it's not like any breakup. As most of you know, I have a deep passion for Maria but truthfully noone will ever begin to understand how much. I've realized in these past two weeks just how passionate I am. Most of my blog posts about our relationship have always been plans for our future, and I realize a lot of people "plan" things they want and don't actually do it.... but the thing is, I meant each plan with all my heart. I hold promises as a very important aspect of life. I don't break promises. It's sad to say that I'm alone in the world on that. Many people make promises they can't keep, but the worst is the person you are deeply in love with. Her and I made so many promises to eachother and looking back and reading those promises puts me in an unexplainable pain...

I just realize more than ever before how passionate I am about her because I can't go a day without crying, I cry myself to sleep every damn night because I have to bear the thought that she may never get to be my future any more. I started to cry myself to sleep tonight but I needed a release and so I decided to start typing this. You'll see in this post how much passion I feel.... how deeply I hurt. When she was my girlfriend, I woke up each day with hope and looked forward because I knew that I had her to always keep me happy.... each day was the best day of my life because she was still a makor part of it. Well now, each day is just far worse than the previous.... I wake up without texting her before going to work and I feel alone.... I work through the day knowing I can't text her on my breaks or get to talk to her after work like I used to... on the phone or on skype happily together. No, instead... I always have to think about some other guy taking my place.... and it kills me to know that he will never show an ounce of the dedication I have. He's not going to make sure each kiss is perfect, that each moment is cherished, that he always will do the little things as well as the big things to making her happy, to always be truthful and faithful..... and most of all, he's never going to be able to look at her 80 years from now and say to her on that front porch as they sit in their rocking chairs, "I have never stopped falling for you". It kills me to know that I lost everything I ever wanted all because of some mistakes I made in the past.

What people don't realize is the extent to what Maria means to me.... saying it is never going to be enough.... they'd have to be in my mind to understand it. Because I made a bucketlist about 2 years ago and on that list is the #2 item "Stay together with the girl of my dreams" and that item on my list was always going to be my biggest goal.... because in life, people are always searching for love and I would feel empty completing everything else on that list without someone to complete it with. I had wrote Maria's name as that #2 item because I feel it in my blood and bones. I just saw my life with her.... how many people can see the person they want to marry before it happens? I saw it like a perfect photograph in front of my eyes. Her and I always talked seriously about marriage, kids, and life together. The things we talked about were so beyond beautiful, like holding our little girl in our arms right after she was born.... and to bear the thought that I may never get to have that..... well..... makes me cry as I type this.....

I can easily say I love her and want to be with her..... but people don't understand the passion I place behind those simple words. I was going to dedicate my entire life to making sure she was always safe, loved, and happy. I was always going to devote myself as a perfect husband for her, one who'd take care of her when she's sick, comfort her through thick and thin, kiss her goodnight, goodmorning, and a billion times in between with utmost passion each time, and just fall for her more and more each day as I have throughout our relationship. She changed my life.... there's just something unexplainable about her that always kept me fighting. Times had gotten unbearably hard for us, and yet.... it never crossed my mind for a second that I'd need to even THINK about giving up. She was always worth the fight. Another very painful part about all of this is that people probably think I'm obsessive and that's really not the case..... it's just so rare in the world nowadays to find someone who really genuinly loves you and would dedicate everything they have to you. It's rare to find someone who won't ever give up in you just because times got hard. I believe in the fact that a relationship can grow stronger the more you work through problems.... it allows you to give time for things to get better and they always will. Maria and I always worked through our problems and came out stronger than ever. It's just my past had got to her and she couldn't take it.... it hurts...... a lot more than anybody could understand.

It's 1 am as I type this, I have to wake up for work in 5 1/2 hours and yet, I can't begin to sleep because I have to lay here knowing that she's not by my side.... which is no different than when we were a couple, but at least as a couple, I could imagine the nights I'd eventually get to never sleep alone again. But now, I cry at the very thought that I may never get to fall asleep with her..... watching her drift off into happy blissful sleep as I hold her tightly in my arms.... where she'd feel protected and loved. I have to wake up every morning knowing I'll never get to know what it's like to kiss her good morning and get to be excited to come home to her after work. God, I love her....

Her and I are trying to remain friends and for her, it's easy.... for me, it kills me. I need to be a part of her life so friends is my only option but it hurts to know I can talk to her, but not like I used to. A simple but very sad example is tonight. She's been sick the past couple days and so tonight I was trying to talk to her and make her feel better andbefore, when we were a couple... I would always try to make her feel better by saying things like "I'll be right over to make you some soup and cuddle with you on the couch while we watch movies" I can't say things like that any more because she doesn't see me that way. And when there's a lull in the conversation, I can't say "I miss you" or "I love you" any more to start a new conversation.... I have to think of something relevant to talk about. It hurts to hide behind empty smiles.... it hurts that nobody knows just how much I'm shattering.... I seriously lost the love of my life and being 19 and young, people don't believe that what I have for her is real, but I'm not naive.... I know how I feel and I know that nothing would ever stop me from devoting all I have to her. I have more than proved that...

There is just no life after her, and people say things get better in time.... they just DON'T understand.... I planned my LIFE around her. I've never been a person to really focus on one task too long. I've never been able to try so hard for something. But she was that one thing I got stuck on... nothing about the distance or hardships we faced, ever gave me a grounds for giving up. I just know how much everything would've been worth it. Being with her for those 2 days in July made me the happiest I've ever felt. I will never forget the way I felt when I kissed her. Everything in the world just......stopped........ I had complete tunnel vision and she was my only focus...... god...... I may never get to kiss her again...... and that KILLS me.....

I've tried to play around with the idea of moving on, and I can't do it. I just will always have that bucketlist and her name there. I'm a firm believer in fighting for dreams... so if I stopped fighting to achieve being with her.... I will have broke the biggest promise to myself, which is fighting for the thing I want most in life. It's just hard to imagine I could ever be happy..... I could be in my dream career, but what good is that when I won't have the love of my life to share my success with? And I HATE when people tell me to move on, nobody has felt the way I have.... and I gurantee that if they did, they'd think twice about telling me to move on. I had pure happiness with her, and that's gone.... and plus, it wouldn't be fair for me to date someone else and have all those pent of feelings for Maria. And the new girl would feel so inadequate knowing that I had planned my life with Maria and have her name on my bucketlist for the rest of my life. Basically, it'd always make the new girl feel in 2nd place.

I wish it was easy to explain how much I love Maria, I wish I could show the entire world that...I wish I could to show that there is still true love in this world and that dreams are worth fighting for.... but nobody understands.... and truthfully, not even me..... but all I know is that I want her, more than anything else in the world.... no matter how much pain I endure, I have hope that I can have the love of my life back.... it's too painful to imagine otherwise....

I love her.... forever and always....