I needed somewhere to post this, figured, "why not my old blog?"

oh god it hurts... 7 months, 3 days, 8 hours, and 35 minutes since it ended. I still cry. I still go whole days thinking of you. I think of how just the night before, we were talking about getting married, you moving over these 2,136 miles to be here with me, like we discussed for over a year and a half of our relationship. I still think of how much you took my breath away and meant to me, how you meant far beyond anything I'd ever imagine to feel towards something in my life...

I planned my whole life around you, my universe centered around your gravity that pulled me in from the beginning that day in February of 2012. I still remember every little thing about you, the conversations we had, the inside jokes, our first phone call, those special skype sessions we had, that dimple on your left cheek when you'd smile.... but I can't hear your laugh or your voice anymore.... it's been so long that 2 of my favorite things about you I can't even hear anymore... I'll try and focus so hard, but I don't have the power to hear those anymore.

You know, angel.... I pray for your return, even despite my severe lack of belief in a god. The more I pray, the less I believe.... but I still do it. I don't know why... I guess just on the off chance it works eventually..

I never saw another thing on this planet as beautiful and perfect as you. They say nobody is perfect, but if that's true, you've achieved the impossible. Sure you did things that irked me at times, but that's what made you perfect.... the fact that you were imperfect.... you were real, you made up for those things by being the best damn love I could have.

oh why, why did two perfect people who should be together have to be so far? I feel that if we weren't separated in distance, we would've made it.

I can't breathe... the weight on my chest makes it so hard. I'm stuck on what to do from here, you were my motivation, I found myself changing so many things because of you, not because you forced me to, but because I naturally did so... to be the most perfect man I could be.

Oh if you only knew how much I would make every moment incredible for you. I know no man will ever put as much passion into each kiss for you that I did and would always do.

I hope you remember every promise made was every promise I'd never break.

Oh angel, I love you... I miss you more than what's expressable by human capabilities. I hope on everything I have that we come together once again and I achieve the biggest dream I have, being your husband for a lifetime.... the man who'd grab your hand and gaze into your beautiful brown eyes in our old age, and tell you that I love you, in that same beautiful passion I have felt in all this time...

Please, come back...

"forever and always" angel, remember that...

...............

Life in a nutshell and why I don't post anymore.

So in the last 2 months since I posted I guess some stuff has changed. I was still struggling through depression and trying to regain at least a friendship with Maria. We talk every once in awhile....but rarely. Though since it's a new year I've been able to accept things and focus more on happiness. I've already asked 2 different girls on a date. The first one turned me down and the second one I'm actually still waiting on whether or not we'll be going on a date. So *fingers crossed* it all works out. In terms of emotions, I've been doing much better. Of course I'll always love Maria and wished we had worked out/will end up together, but I can't let that void of her being gone take over my life anymore. She's happy and I have to accept that because I love her. Maybe time will repair itself and bring us back together, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for that to happen. I've been focusing a lot more of my time on happiness. Since November 14, I had started a film project, I've got an idea on what I'm doing for my career, and I'm currently saving for a Canon EOS T3I DSLR camera to start my skateboarding documentary. I actually talked to Maria tonight and we talked a little about what's going on in our lives. She's doing really good and I just had to seem happy for her. I am to an extent. I'm glad she's being treated good but I know I could treat her better. The fact that I love her still gives me that strength to just look past my own problems and accept that she's happy and be happy for her. And I've been considerably happier lately. I'm not so much as sad anymore as I am just numb. I do miss her, I do wish for us to find our way back to eachother, but I'm not waiting anymore. I'm trying to move forward as life sees fit. Anyways, that's the happenings of my life lately.

The reason I haven't posted here is because of that lack of motivation to her being gone. I really only started this blog awhile back for those LDR updates, but now it's obviously not something I can post about anymore and can't find the motivation to post other things when I still know the reason I began posting here in the first place.... so in my final words, thanks to all of those who have read my blog and silently supported me over the past year. I'm thankful to have had readers. It's time I say goodbye to this blog. I won't be posting here anymore (I don't think, unless I get the motivation to start it up again) but I'll keep it up because I may want to look back on it from time to time to relive the times that were the happiest. I wish you all a happy new year. May 2014 bring a happy beginning and be a great year. Maria, I love you.... to the end of my days.

Hope towards happiness.

Goodbye for now.

I guess it's just been hard for me emotionally to post anything.....

As of today 3 months ago..... my world came crashing down as most of you know and it's still so weird to me because it feels like such a short time ago. But 3 months is a long time and I gotta tell you..... I don't feel any less pain than I did when it first happened. Days are still hardly bearable and I'm still left with a billion questions. Life hurts..... without her to fight for it's hard to figure out what to do with myself and I guess that's really the only reason I'm doing this post. I kept clicking back to facebook and to other sites. I look at the little bit of her profile I can see often.... and it kills me to not know a damn thing about what's going on in her life. Saw her friend comment on one of her photos asking how she was doing and when she replied "Wonderful :)" it just was a punch to the gut. Yes, I love her and want her happy but that only goes so far..... I could've gave happiness that no other guy will be able to do. I'd dedicate all I have to her and making her happy. She gave up before giving it the chance. If we were together and closed the distance (like I was trying to do), she wouldn't have even thought about leaving me. Every day would be perfect because I'd wake up and kiss her good morning, I'd say something like, "Good morning beautiful", I'd tell her periodically throughout the day that I love her, we'd be able to hug, kiss, and cuddle, all the time, I'd plan romantic nights for us..... just so many things we could've had together. She'll never understand the imprint she made on me and my life. It just....... tears me to absolute shreds knowing she's going to settle for less. I'm not conceited... I know there are probably a lot of great guys out there for her..... but I just know that no matter how great a guy is for her, he'll never begin to dedicate all that he has for her like I did. I fell in love with her for countless reasons and I was going to spend my life proving that. *sigh* My brain isn't naive, it tells me that there are approx. 7 billion people in the world and I am bound to find someone else, but maybe I don't want that.... because after all, I found someone who made me inexplicably happy and took all the pain and sadness from life away. She gave me every ounce of drive to making us last.... despite the painful distance. I love her for more than words are capable to be expressed. I somehow hold onto this hope each day that she'll return and I still pray to that God I don't believe in each night in hopes that my pleads are strong enough to pull me from this hellish nightmare. I don't focus all my time on her.... I do however do things with my life. I've been working A LOT on my skateboarding and improving, I play a lot of guitar now, I started on a model car, I try to hang out with friends as much as possible. She doesn't run my life..... but she does give me drive towards fighting through this. I hate how it all happened when there was no justifiable reason.... but someday, there will be a lesson learned from this, whether it be her learning that she was too quick to give up, or me discovering that damn clichéd phrase "There are more fish in the sea" is true. Whatever the case may be, I still hope on all I have that her and I are where our lives are meant to be, because every bit of beauty we had together I beg on my hands and knees for, for the rest of our lives.

Maria Barkett, though you are more than likely not reading this...... I love you..... for everything that you are. Forever and Always. (6/12/12)

Life has been (and still is) a huge emotional rollercoaster...

I want to apologize for the lack of posts.... it's hard to get any sort of motivation for anything anymore. As most of you who read my blog know, I lost the love of my life nearly 3 months ago and let me tell you, there hasn't been a damn bit of healing though the process. I spend every waking second thinking about her, I think of all the memories and life we would've had, I wish on every 11:11 and shooting star, I pray to a God I don't believe in often, and I continuously break more each day. There is no amount of words to express enough how much of a spiral into a place darker than pitch black I am in. I still can't help but to cry over her... I can't help but to hope that someday all of this makes sense and that we had to fall apart completely before being able to be truly happy but with the lack of answered wishes or prayers, I lose a little more hope each day. The only thing keeping me going IS that hope that I so desperately cling to. I try to think rationally about this.... yes, there are 7 billion other people in the world and the overwhelming odds of me not finding someone else is close to none, but if you also think about it this way, you have to factor out all the men (since I'm obviously straight), factor out women who are not around my age, factor out women who are lesbian, women who aren't my type, etc....etc.....etc. The real jist of it is that really, there are a very small number of people who are perfect for someone. I happened to find one of those girls and I don't want to let her go. Honestly, even if I know another "perfect girl" was in reach, I wouldn't want that. The fact of the matter is, I was perfectly happy and content with Maria and nothing can ever begin to replace the way I felt for her. She was the girl I promised the rest of my life to. How can I just let something so deep and meaningful go? The worse of all this is, she and her family feel I'm "obsessive" and "mentally unstable".... I fully understand why it may seem that way. It's rare in this day and age to see someone as dedicated as I am. The only person I've seen from personal experience is my father. He still proves his love to my mother to this day. But, if I am this so called "obsessive", why is that such a bad thing? How is it harmful to absolutely love someone with everything you have and would give all of yourself to them so willingly? How is it looked down upon that all I ever want is to treat her with love and respect for the rest of my life? If that's what "obsession" is defined as, then oh well.... I am proud to be "obsessed" then because the feeling is by far one of the greatest feelings in the world.... even despite all the pain. I'd rather love her and be hurt than to not feel love and have a meaningless void of a heart. I would love to go back and change some things so that I could give her every possible reason to have stayed... but I can't and it kills me..... but you know what? I would do the relationship I had with her a billion times over. The happy times outweigh all the sad times. The feeling of her lips against mine and the gentle but comforting embrace of her arms around me is a feeling that I will remember for the rest of my life. I just need to keep holding on.... I believe that life will work itself in the direction that will eventually make me happy.... and I hope on everything I have that Maria is the biggest part of that. I love her, god I do..... with every fiber in my being. I'd do anything for her. I just need to keep believing in some way or another that she and I will be "us" again... and if it takes time, she's worth the wait. I know that I'll decide what to do as life progresses each day. It won't be wasted time because I'm standing by what I believe in.

Anyways, I had a lot to get off my chest.... life is a bitterness I live each day, but ultimately... it's for a good cause. And Maria.... if by some rare, close to minimal chance that you are reading this..... just know that I will love you FOREVER AND ALWAYS and will cherish every bit of what we had for the rest of my days. I'll always be there for you.... whether it be as someone to talk to, or just someone to reside in your heart... I'll always be some little part of you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong and if I had the power to change it all, god knows I would. I love you.. beyond the vast expanses of this infinite universe. And if for some reason me posting this makes you mad or sad, I'm sorry.... I just needed to express this. I just needed someone to know that I love a girl who is undeniably perfect for me in every way and that no matter what has and will happen, you are the biggest part of me. Hope life is okay for you...

It's 3:28 am as I type this.... I should go to bed now. /End post.

Dedication ISN'T obsession.

There is a finely drawn line between dedication and obsession. Yes, I still send her a good morning text every morning. Yes, I still tell her each day that she is beautiful and that I love her. Yes, I haven't been able to heal even as time progresses. Yes, the pain is nearly unbearable. Yes, I still confess to her how much she means to me and how to dear to my heart she is. Yes, I still keep hope that there will be a second chance.... a whole new beginning......a beautiful and permanent redemption at "us". Yes, I still cry very often over her. Yes, I pray to a god I don't even believe in. Yes, there is a possibility there will never be a second chance. But guess what, it's not a foreign idea to be strong willed and dedicated to something... or rather someone. To some, I may seem obsessive..... but is it really so difficult of an idea to understand that I met the true love of my life? I mean, if you look at all the facts.... I spent over a year with her after having gone to know her for 4 months prior to out relationship. We had to face the distance, family disapproval, lonliness, having to keep our relationship secret from said disapproving family for months at a time..... having to talk ONLY on facebook for an HOUR a day for 4 months, facing doubts and insecurities, etc. I've withstood ALL of that, which would normally be a grounds for someone giving up, but I hadn't and why? Because, I found someone who makes each heartbeat worth staying alive through. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life and it's nice to have something set in stone. It's nice to know that I WILL always and forever love her no matter how much it hurts. The fact is, life is about making the best of it.... and in order to do so, you have to fight for the things you want.... nobody says it's easy and most people just take the easy route and settle for the things that are more promising for them. But to be honest, I'd rather look back on my life knowing I dedicated everything I had to what I want most, rather than to have wasted the time "settling" for things that were less than I wanted. This is a fight I have to keep fighting and whether or not it ends with a happily ever after or a dark voided nothingness.... it's worth every second. At least I can look at this and see that I learned a lot about myself and the lengths I'm willing to go for someone who means so much. And at least she knows that she means everything to me. Otherwise, why WOULD I do the things I do? The biggest fact of all of this.... to put it very simply is that...... well...... I love her, still to this day as I always have and not a single shred of those feelings have faded even being as hard as things have gotten. 

Thanks to whoever had read this and supports me. I didn't intend on it being so long, or it really being more than a couple lines... but I got to venting and because I feel so passionately about this, my words just tend to flow out like pen to parchment.

A rare, beautiful... yet, heartbreaking story...... MY story.

I have a story to tell, and whether or not it's true is for you to figure out. It IS going to be long, but it's very passionate, very well written, and will make even the strongest of hearts melt..... here's the story....

There was once a boy who even in his freshman year of highschool was looking for love.... he always was hoping for his high school sweetheart because he wanted the story of how him and an amazing girl stayed together through high school and got married and lived a happy life together. Unlike many people in this world, he knew exactly what he wanted and no matter how diffcult things would become, he never gave up hope and never stopped fighting for what he wanted. Through high school, relationships for him came and went and though he had strong feelings for a couple of them, in all reality, they were easy to let go. Although there was one girl more difficult to get over than the other and even when he thought he was over her and had moved on, she came back into his life for a hope of a second chance.... like an ignoramous, he decided to give her that but as time progressed, before they could see eachother in person again, she decided they were better as friends. Then one day, shortly before his high school prom, she did a beautiful romantic gesture and showed up at his school holding up a sign saying "Take me to prom?" and he couldn't help but to give in..... only to later find how huge of a mistake that was...... HOWEVER, only to an extent..... to an extent because fate works itself around in painful, mischeivous ways to get you to where you belong. He took her to dinner, bought the tickets for prom, spent the gas money to drive to prom.... he felt like he was going to have his second chance with her again after they'd slow dance in the crowded room, but come to find out, they didn't dance once and he wasted so much money and time on her, he talked to her about it at prom and ended up making her upset where they had to leave early. Their friendship started to fade and he was in a very tough place..... until he met....... HER. 

In February 2012, he was still getting over that girl and decided to go on YouTube. He listened to their old song and commented on the video about how much he missed her and wished he had a chance.... but little did he know, by that simple comment, his life would inevitibly change. A few days passed by and he checked his youtube inbox like usual, but this time.... he had a comment reply. A very sweet and caring girl replied to him saying how great of a guy he is and how he doesn't deserve that mistreatment, so even as a stranger, she said she'd love to help him through it. Thinking nothing of it, he decided to take her up on that offer thinking it'd be just a friendly conversation as she helped him get over the girl, and they'd never speak again..... this was far from what actually happened. The two started to become friends.... really good friends...... VERY good friends. She was very thoughtful and caring, he really connected with her. He knew he could talk to her about anything and everything and subconsiously, he would get excited to talk to her. They then started to talk on facebook. He looked into her pictures and was absolutely breathtaken.... she was gorgeous..... the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on but he felt she was way out of his league and didn't see her as more than a friend. (Even though he knew he liked her just from her personality alone, before he saw her) They would talk every day for hours at a time and even late into the night.... see, she lived 3 hours in time difference away, 2,136 miles away to be exact. So they'd stay up talking til about 1 am his time and 4 am her time. She was stubborn about going to bed, but she really enjoyed talking to him. They started falling for eachother, and as scary as it was confessed it on June 7th, 4 months about after they met. Then the weekend after graduation, he had gone away with some friends on a camping trip while she patiently waited for him to get back. God, he missed her..... he thought about her every moment of the day and couldn't shake the feeling that, "wow, I love her... I have to tell her". He and his friends took a hike way into the mountains and they were able to get cell reception up there.... so he took out his phone in hope of getting his chance to tell her he loved her.... he couldn't wait any longer, but sadly.... no service on his phone.... and he still had two days to wait. The trip was fun grant it, but he still wished more than anything he could talk to her. He got back and immediately got on the computer; before unpacking, before changing, and gawd forbid.... before showering. He simply couldn't wait to talk to her. He told her about the trip and she really missed him, but he was too nervous to tell her that day. The next day, they were talking..... being really sweet towards eachother, and he just knew it was time. He knew how much he was throwing on the line. There was a girl 2,136 miles away from him and yet, he never felt so close to someone in his life. He said, "I'm ready to say three words.... three words that are the most terrifying yet beautiful words one can say to another. Three words that really prove the meaning of someone to another. three words I DO NOT expect you to say back and actually please don't unless you are completely ready and mean them 100%

These three words I don't have any reason not to say because I feel them.....hold on and be prepared.... I LOVE YOU. You've taken my heart and I've fallen completely. As crazy as it seems.... It happened. " and the seconds to follow were the longest seconds ever..... what would she think? Would she feel that's crazy? Would they be something or would she leave him alone? She replied....... three words returned back and his heart skipped a beat, and in that moment.... he felt the world shift. Something special was changing about his life and he didn't know what yet. The next day they talked on the phone for the first time and her voice was that of an angel. Their relationship developed and they fell harder and harder each day..... thinking time and distance were merely just words..... when the worst could happen, it did. They broke up, but not by their choosing.... in August (2 months after that first "I love you") Her parents didn't want her with someone so far away and wanted her to focus on her life more. But they loved eachother far too much, a week of being broken up was too much to bear so they got back together in secret. They had to talk for an hour a day on facebook for about 4 months to keep it secret.... but it was worth those short hours they spent, because they had something real and truly special. Her family finally found out and decided that even though they disapproved, we were serious about eachother and nothing would break us. The next 9 months or so to follow were both beautiful and very difficult. They had many close break-up calls but would grow and become stronger from them, strenthening their love. They had doubts and fears almost unbearable, but worked through them. They had many lonely nights.... but talking to eachother always made it worth the seconds. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days, and so on.... but they never gave up. They had something rare and something far more beautiful than anyone could see. 

But, some good things come to an end. There reached a point in time where she reached a very hard part in her life and became very depressed and doubtful in their relationship. He would do everything he could to console her.... he'd be loving, caring, compassionate, he'd do special LONG detailed texts about their lives together called "Eyes closed texts".... where he'd have her close her eyes after reading the text and imagine those beautiful moments. And they were always moments he was going to strive hard to give her. But she just wasn't getting better and started feeling a loses of spark, they broke up again..... he was heartbroken and did everything imaginable to win her over, but it was no use until she mentioned that if he were there, she'd feel differently, so secretly, he made a last minute decision to fly over to where she was after having been saving money for months. He told her a week before flying over there. He had to save their relationship. So the day came, his wonderful family drove him to the airport and he was taking the biggest journey of his life thus far. He was about to hold the girl of his dreams in his arms for the first time. He arrived early and while she was at work. They made plans to meet after work and her stay in his hotel because her family didn't know he was there, until the day of. They found out and he had to meet them. Her and her dad picked him up at his hotel the next day and his heart raced as the moments lead up to him meeting her, he walked out his hotel room door and walked towards the office, to see their car parked there. He started running, faster than he'd ever ran before.... she got out of the car to meet him and he held her tightly in his arms, feeling the world fade around.... feeling her heart beat against his and he whispered in her ear, "I'm finally right where I want to be" they pulled back and gazed into one another's eyes, smiling, in complete shock that they were actually together, he met her dad and apologized for all the bad things they did in their relationship. He was very nice and forgiving. They went out to a nice dinner, but the most amazing part of the night.... when they got to their house...... he talked with her dad for awhile, he played piano for her, and then they went out into the backyard.... at 10ish at night..... the cool summer breeze..... the fireflies all around..... the starry night sky above them... it was perfect. They sat in a swing and cuddled and he just couldn't resist it any longer, he lifted her chin and gave her the most passionate kiss he had ever given to anyone.... one with true emotions and love. The world vanished around and it was just the two lovers in blissful happiness in one another's embrace. It was the best moment of his life. They also slow danced to no music under the stars, it was all surreal. They had to take him back to his hotel and even though he was bummed the night was over, he'd get to see her the next day. They gave eachother a goodnight kiss and he felt at peace again. They were a couple again and his life was looking upward. The next day was just as amazing, he met her mom and step dad, and her siblings. They had a nice lunch at a restaraunt. They got back and cuddled on the couch for hours before he had to go back to the airport to fly home. The time came, it was time to leave..... the drive to the airport was bittersweet. He knew he had the best moments with her than he's ever had and he was not ready to go, but he looked forward to the next time. She walked him into the airport. As they stood in line for the ticket counter, they just held eachother tightly... not really saying anything because it was a sad moment. They looked at eachother with love and smiled because at least they knew it wouldn't be the last time..... So they thought, but I'm getting ahead of myself. SHe walked him to security before having to leave, they held eachother so close and so tight.... fighting back a waterfall of tears. He kissed her passionately but that wasn't enough, before she walked away completely, he pulled her back again for one last beautiful kiss to hold him over for awhile.... it was a romantic perfect moment before having to say their "I love you's" and "goodbyes". The plane ride home was long and very sad for him, he didn't know how long it'd be again, but he longed for her kisses, her simple touch, and her embrace..... but he never lost hope. Their relationship remained beautiful and strong, talks about her visiting, and their future together made the time worth it..... but that only lasted for about a month, when the worst finally happened...... they broke up for the 3rd and maybe last time....

....his heart shattered..... his chest collapsed..... he couldn't breathe...... he did everything in his power to try to convince her to stay and nothing was working..... she found someone else...... and he couldn't bear the thoughts of how that man will never take the time of day to making damn sure each moment is perfect. He would cry himself to sleep every night, he'd break down at random times throughout the day, he would wish on 11:11, he would wish on shooting stars, he would even pray to the God he doesn't believe in simply because he couldn't handle losing the love of his life. The love he promised his life and heart to and labeled as "The girl of my dreams" on his bucketlist. He tried to be there for her when her new interest would make her sad, he tried to remain a good friend for her, but it was unspeakably painful..... he watched as everything he ever wanted slipped away..... farther and farther.... like grains of sand through one's fingers.. He still sends her a good morning text each day, he still tells her he loves her because not a single shred of his feelings have been lost for her..... she would say there's never a chance for them again and even though his heart was gone from him, he still keeps hope with what's left of him, that they can have a second chance. He had planned on speninding his life with her, he saw her as his future wife and mother of their children. He saw a billion unexpressably beautiful moments with her and he couldn't imagine as hard as he tried, that he may never as long as he lives, gets that with her. And the thought of someone else is so far out of his realm, that it's impossible to speak of. He loves her, still to this very day.... as time ticks by every second...... seconds feel like years, he doesn't know how to be okay anymore..... his life falls apart around him....... and he cries as he types this...... the story of how he met the perfect woman, the love of his life...... and how she is no longer his...... he barely holds onto her friendship..... he clings to the last things he has from her..... the letters, the messages, the photos...... he dies every day a little more because his heart beat weakens as she gets more distant...... what can he do to save it? How can he be happy again? He needs her...... more than anything in this world. He loves her and will love her......

.......

Forever....... and always....

Passion rant again.... through video...

Very passionate... thanks for watching