I needed somewhere to post this, figured, "why not my old blog?"

oh god it hurts... 7 months, 3 days, 8 hours, and 35 minutes since it ended. I still cry. I still go whole days thinking of you. I think of how just the night before, we were talking about getting married, you moving over these 2,136 miles to be here with me, like we discussed for over a year and a half of our relationship. I still think of how much you took my breath away and meant to me, how you meant far beyond anything I'd ever imagine to feel towards something in my life...

I planned my whole life around you, my universe centered around your gravity that pulled me in from the beginning that day in February of 2012. I still remember every little thing about you, the conversations we had, the inside jokes, our first phone call, those special skype sessions we had, that dimple on your left cheek when you'd smile.... but I can't hear your laugh or your voice anymore.... it's been so long that 2 of my favorite things about you I can't even hear anymore... I'll try and focus so hard, but I don't have the power to hear those anymore.

You know, angel.... I pray for your return, even despite my severe lack of belief in a god. The more I pray, the less I believe.... but I still do it. I don't know why... I guess just on the off chance it works eventually..

I never saw another thing on this planet as beautiful and perfect as you. They say nobody is perfect, but if that's true, you've achieved the impossible. Sure you did things that irked me at times, but that's what made you perfect.... the fact that you were imperfect.... you were real, you made up for those things by being the best damn love I could have.

oh why, why did two perfect people who should be together have to be so far? I feel that if we weren't separated in distance, we would've made it.

I can't breathe... the weight on my chest makes it so hard. I'm stuck on what to do from here, you were my motivation, I found myself changing so many things because of you, not because you forced me to, but because I naturally did so... to be the most perfect man I could be.

Oh if you only knew how much I would make every moment incredible for you. I know no man will ever put as much passion into each kiss for you that I did and would always do.

I hope you remember every promise made was every promise I'd never break.

Oh angel, I love you... I miss you more than what's expressable by human capabilities. I hope on everything I have that we come together once again and I achieve the biggest dream I have, being your husband for a lifetime.... the man who'd grab your hand and gaze into your beautiful brown eyes in our old age, and tell you that I love you, in that same beautiful passion I have felt in all this time...

Please, come back...

"forever and always" angel, remember that...

...............

Life in a nutshell and why I don't post anymore.

So in the last 2 months since I posted I guess some stuff has changed. I was still struggling through depression and trying to regain at least a friendship with Maria. We talk every once in awhile....but rarely. Though since it's a new year I've been able to accept things and focus more on happiness. I've already asked 2 different girls on a date. The first one turned me down and the second one I'm actually still waiting on whether or not we'll be going on a date. So *fingers crossed* it all works out. In terms of emotions, I've been doing much better. Of course I'll always love Maria and wished we had worked out/will end up together, but I can't let that void of her being gone take over my life anymore. She's happy and I have to accept that because I love her. Maybe time will repair itself and bring us back together, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for that to happen. I've been focusing a lot more of my time on happiness. Since November 14, I had started a film project, I've got an idea on what I'm doing for my career, and I'm currently saving for a Canon EOS T3I DSLR camera to start my skateboarding documentary. I actually talked to Maria tonight and we talked a little about what's going on in our lives. She's doing really good and I just had to seem happy for her. I am to an extent. I'm glad she's being treated good but I know I could treat her better. The fact that I love her still gives me that strength to just look past my own problems and accept that she's happy and be happy for her. And I've been considerably happier lately. I'm not so much as sad anymore as I am just numb. I do miss her, I do wish for us to find our way back to eachother, but I'm not waiting anymore. I'm trying to move forward as life sees fit. Anyways, that's the happenings of my life lately.

The reason I haven't posted here is because of that lack of motivation to her being gone. I really only started this blog awhile back for those LDR updates, but now it's obviously not something I can post about anymore and can't find the motivation to post other things when I still know the reason I began posting here in the first place.... so in my final words, thanks to all of those who have read my blog and silently supported me over the past year. I'm thankful to have had readers. It's time I say goodbye to this blog. I won't be posting here anymore (I don't think, unless I get the motivation to start it up again) but I'll keep it up because I may want to look back on it from time to time to relive the times that were the happiest. I wish you all a happy new year. May 2014 bring a happy beginning and be a great year. Maria, I love you.... to the end of my days.

Hope towards happiness.

Goodbye for now.