I guess it's just been hard for me emotionally to post anything.....

As of today 3 months ago..... my world came crashing down as most of you know and it's still so weird to me because it feels like such a short time ago. But 3 months is a long time and I gotta tell you..... I don't feel any less pain than I did when it first happened. Days are still hardly bearable and I'm still left with a billion questions. Life hurts..... without her to fight for it's hard to figure out what to do with myself and I guess that's really the only reason I'm doing this post. I kept clicking back to facebook and to other sites. I look at the little bit of her profile I can see often.... and it kills me to not know a damn thing about what's going on in her life. Saw her friend comment on one of her photos asking how she was doing and when she replied "Wonderful :)" it just was a punch to the gut. Yes, I love her and want her happy but that only goes so far..... I could've gave happiness that no other guy will be able to do. I'd dedicate all I have to her and making her happy. She gave up before giving it the chance. If we were together and closed the distance (like I was trying to do), she wouldn't have even thought about leaving me. Every day would be perfect because I'd wake up and kiss her good morning, I'd say something like, "Good morning beautiful", I'd tell her periodically throughout the day that I love her, we'd be able to hug, kiss, and cuddle, all the time, I'd plan romantic nights for us..... just so many things we could've had together. She'll never understand the imprint she made on me and my life. It just....... tears me to absolute shreds knowing she's going to settle for less. I'm not conceited... I know there are probably a lot of great guys out there for her..... but I just know that no matter how great a guy is for her, he'll never begin to dedicate all that he has for her like I did. I fell in love with her for countless reasons and I was going to spend my life proving that. *sigh* My brain isn't naive, it tells me that there are approx. 7 billion people in the world and I am bound to find someone else, but maybe I don't want that.... because after all, I found someone who made me inexplicably happy and took all the pain and sadness from life away. She gave me every ounce of drive to making us last.... despite the painful distance. I love her for more than words are capable to be expressed. I somehow hold onto this hope each day that she'll return and I still pray to that God I don't believe in each night in hopes that my pleads are strong enough to pull me from this hellish nightmare. I don't focus all my time on her.... I do however do things with my life. I've been working A LOT on my skateboarding and improving, I play a lot of guitar now, I started on a model car, I try to hang out with friends as much as possible. She doesn't run my life..... but she does give me drive towards fighting through this. I hate how it all happened when there was no justifiable reason.... but someday, there will be a lesson learned from this, whether it be her learning that she was too quick to give up, or me discovering that damn clichéd phrase "There are more fish in the sea" is true. Whatever the case may be, I still hope on all I have that her and I are where our lives are meant to be, because every bit of beauty we had together I beg on my hands and knees for, for the rest of our lives.

Maria Barkett, though you are more than likely not reading this...... I love you..... for everything that you are. Forever and Always. (6/12/12)

Life has been (and still is) a huge emotional rollercoaster...

I want to apologize for the lack of posts.... it's hard to get any sort of motivation for anything anymore. As most of you who read my blog know, I lost the love of my life nearly 3 months ago and let me tell you, there hasn't been a damn bit of healing though the process. I spend every waking second thinking about her, I think of all the memories and life we would've had, I wish on every 11:11 and shooting star, I pray to a God I don't believe in often, and I continuously break more each day. There is no amount of words to express enough how much of a spiral into a place darker than pitch black I am in. I still can't help but to cry over her... I can't help but to hope that someday all of this makes sense and that we had to fall apart completely before being able to be truly happy but with the lack of answered wishes or prayers, I lose a little more hope each day. The only thing keeping me going IS that hope that I so desperately cling to. I try to think rationally about this.... yes, there are 7 billion other people in the world and the overwhelming odds of me not finding someone else is close to none, but if you also think about it this way, you have to factor out all the men (since I'm obviously straight), factor out women who are not around my age, factor out women who are lesbian, women who aren't my type, etc....etc.....etc. The real jist of it is that really, there are a very small number of people who are perfect for someone. I happened to find one of those girls and I don't want to let her go. Honestly, even if I know another "perfect girl" was in reach, I wouldn't want that. The fact of the matter is, I was perfectly happy and content with Maria and nothing can ever begin to replace the way I felt for her. She was the girl I promised the rest of my life to. How can I just let something so deep and meaningful go? The worse of all this is, she and her family feel I'm "obsessive" and "mentally unstable".... I fully understand why it may seem that way. It's rare in this day and age to see someone as dedicated as I am. The only person I've seen from personal experience is my father. He still proves his love to my mother to this day. But, if I am this so called "obsessive", why is that such a bad thing? How is it harmful to absolutely love someone with everything you have and would give all of yourself to them so willingly? How is it looked down upon that all I ever want is to treat her with love and respect for the rest of my life? If that's what "obsession" is defined as, then oh well.... I am proud to be "obsessed" then because the feeling is by far one of the greatest feelings in the world.... even despite all the pain. I'd rather love her and be hurt than to not feel love and have a meaningless void of a heart. I would love to go back and change some things so that I could give her every possible reason to have stayed... but I can't and it kills me..... but you know what? I would do the relationship I had with her a billion times over. The happy times outweigh all the sad times. The feeling of her lips against mine and the gentle but comforting embrace of her arms around me is a feeling that I will remember for the rest of my life. I just need to keep holding on.... I believe that life will work itself in the direction that will eventually make me happy.... and I hope on everything I have that Maria is the biggest part of that. I love her, god I do..... with every fiber in my being. I'd do anything for her. I just need to keep believing in some way or another that she and I will be "us" again... and if it takes time, she's worth the wait. I know that I'll decide what to do as life progresses each day. It won't be wasted time because I'm standing by what I believe in.

Anyways, I had a lot to get off my chest.... life is a bitterness I live each day, but ultimately... it's for a good cause. And Maria.... if by some rare, close to minimal chance that you are reading this..... just know that I will love you FOREVER AND ALWAYS and will cherish every bit of what we had for the rest of my days. I'll always be there for you.... whether it be as someone to talk to, or just someone to reside in your heart... I'll always be some little part of you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong and if I had the power to change it all, god knows I would. I love you.. beyond the vast expanses of this infinite universe. And if for some reason me posting this makes you mad or sad, I'm sorry.... I just needed to express this. I just needed someone to know that I love a girl who is undeniably perfect for me in every way and that no matter what has and will happen, you are the biggest part of me. Hope life is okay for you...

It's 3:28 am as I type this.... I should go to bed now. /End post.

Dedication ISN'T obsession.

There is a finely drawn line between dedication and obsession. Yes, I still send her a good morning text every morning. Yes, I still tell her each day that she is beautiful and that I love her. Yes, I haven't been able to heal even as time progresses. Yes, the pain is nearly unbearable. Yes, I still confess to her how much she means to me and how to dear to my heart she is. Yes, I still keep hope that there will be a second chance.... a whole new beginning......a beautiful and permanent redemption at "us". Yes, I still cry very often over her. Yes, I pray to a god I don't even believe in. Yes, there is a possibility there will never be a second chance. But guess what, it's not a foreign idea to be strong willed and dedicated to something... or rather someone. To some, I may seem obsessive..... but is it really so difficult of an idea to understand that I met the true love of my life? I mean, if you look at all the facts.... I spent over a year with her after having gone to know her for 4 months prior to out relationship. We had to face the distance, family disapproval, lonliness, having to keep our relationship secret from said disapproving family for months at a time..... having to talk ONLY on facebook for an HOUR a day for 4 months, facing doubts and insecurities, etc. I've withstood ALL of that, which would normally be a grounds for someone giving up, but I hadn't and why? Because, I found someone who makes each heartbeat worth staying alive through. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life and it's nice to have something set in stone. It's nice to know that I WILL always and forever love her no matter how much it hurts. The fact is, life is about making the best of it.... and in order to do so, you have to fight for the things you want.... nobody says it's easy and most people just take the easy route and settle for the things that are more promising for them. But to be honest, I'd rather look back on my life knowing I dedicated everything I had to what I want most, rather than to have wasted the time "settling" for things that were less than I wanted. This is a fight I have to keep fighting and whether or not it ends with a happily ever after or a dark voided nothingness.... it's worth every second. At least I can look at this and see that I learned a lot about myself and the lengths I'm willing to go for someone who means so much. And at least she knows that she means everything to me. Otherwise, why WOULD I do the things I do? The biggest fact of all of this.... to put it very simply is that...... well...... I love her, still to this day as I always have and not a single shred of those feelings have faded even being as hard as things have gotten. 

Thanks to whoever had read this and supports me. I didn't intend on it being so long, or it really being more than a couple lines... but I got to venting and because I feel so passionately about this, my words just tend to flow out like pen to parchment.

A rare, beautiful... yet, heartbreaking story...... MY story.

I have a story to tell, and whether or not it's true is for you to figure out. It IS going to be long, but it's very passionate, very well written, and will make even the strongest of hearts melt..... here's the story....

There was once a boy who even in his freshman year of highschool was looking for love.... he always was hoping for his high school sweetheart because he wanted the story of how him and an amazing girl stayed together through high school and got married and lived a happy life together. Unlike many people in this world, he knew exactly what he wanted and no matter how diffcult things would become, he never gave up hope and never stopped fighting for what he wanted. Through high school, relationships for him came and went and though he had strong feelings for a couple of them, in all reality, they were easy to let go. Although there was one girl more difficult to get over than the other and even when he thought he was over her and had moved on, she came back into his life for a hope of a second chance.... like an ignoramous, he decided to give her that but as time progressed, before they could see eachother in person again, she decided they were better as friends. Then one day, shortly before his high school prom, she did a beautiful romantic gesture and showed up at his school holding up a sign saying "Take me to prom?" and he couldn't help but to give in..... only to later find how huge of a mistake that was...... HOWEVER, only to an extent..... to an extent because fate works itself around in painful, mischeivous ways to get you to where you belong. He took her to dinner, bought the tickets for prom, spent the gas money to drive to prom.... he felt like he was going to have his second chance with her again after they'd slow dance in the crowded room, but come to find out, they didn't dance once and he wasted so much money and time on her, he talked to her about it at prom and ended up making her upset where they had to leave early. Their friendship started to fade and he was in a very tough place..... until he met....... HER. 

In February 2012, he was still getting over that girl and decided to go on YouTube. He listened to their old song and commented on the video about how much he missed her and wished he had a chance.... but little did he know, by that simple comment, his life would inevitibly change. A few days passed by and he checked his youtube inbox like usual, but this time.... he had a comment reply. A very sweet and caring girl replied to him saying how great of a guy he is and how he doesn't deserve that mistreatment, so even as a stranger, she said she'd love to help him through it. Thinking nothing of it, he decided to take her up on that offer thinking it'd be just a friendly conversation as she helped him get over the girl, and they'd never speak again..... this was far from what actually happened. The two started to become friends.... really good friends...... VERY good friends. She was very thoughtful and caring, he really connected with her. He knew he could talk to her about anything and everything and subconsiously, he would get excited to talk to her. They then started to talk on facebook. He looked into her pictures and was absolutely breathtaken.... she was gorgeous..... the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on but he felt she was way out of his league and didn't see her as more than a friend. (Even though he knew he liked her just from her personality alone, before he saw her) They would talk every day for hours at a time and even late into the night.... see, she lived 3 hours in time difference away, 2,136 miles away to be exact. So they'd stay up talking til about 1 am his time and 4 am her time. She was stubborn about going to bed, but she really enjoyed talking to him. They started falling for eachother, and as scary as it was confessed it on June 7th, 4 months about after they met. Then the weekend after graduation, he had gone away with some friends on a camping trip while she patiently waited for him to get back. God, he missed her..... he thought about her every moment of the day and couldn't shake the feeling that, "wow, I love her... I have to tell her". He and his friends took a hike way into the mountains and they were able to get cell reception up there.... so he took out his phone in hope of getting his chance to tell her he loved her.... he couldn't wait any longer, but sadly.... no service on his phone.... and he still had two days to wait. The trip was fun grant it, but he still wished more than anything he could talk to her. He got back and immediately got on the computer; before unpacking, before changing, and gawd forbid.... before showering. He simply couldn't wait to talk to her. He told her about the trip and she really missed him, but he was too nervous to tell her that day. The next day, they were talking..... being really sweet towards eachother, and he just knew it was time. He knew how much he was throwing on the line. There was a girl 2,136 miles away from him and yet, he never felt so close to someone in his life. He said, "I'm ready to say three words.... three words that are the most terrifying yet beautiful words one can say to another. Three words that really prove the meaning of someone to another. three words I DO NOT expect you to say back and actually please don't unless you are completely ready and mean them 100%

These three words I don't have any reason not to say because I feel them.....hold on and be prepared.... I LOVE YOU. You've taken my heart and I've fallen completely. As crazy as it seems.... It happened. " and the seconds to follow were the longest seconds ever..... what would she think? Would she feel that's crazy? Would they be something or would she leave him alone? She replied....... three words returned back and his heart skipped a beat, and in that moment.... he felt the world shift. Something special was changing about his life and he didn't know what yet. The next day they talked on the phone for the first time and her voice was that of an angel. Their relationship developed and they fell harder and harder each day..... thinking time and distance were merely just words..... when the worst could happen, it did. They broke up, but not by their choosing.... in August (2 months after that first "I love you") Her parents didn't want her with someone so far away and wanted her to focus on her life more. But they loved eachother far too much, a week of being broken up was too much to bear so they got back together in secret. They had to talk for an hour a day on facebook for about 4 months to keep it secret.... but it was worth those short hours they spent, because they had something real and truly special. Her family finally found out and decided that even though they disapproved, we were serious about eachother and nothing would break us. The next 9 months or so to follow were both beautiful and very difficult. They had many close break-up calls but would grow and become stronger from them, strenthening their love. They had doubts and fears almost unbearable, but worked through them. They had many lonely nights.... but talking to eachother always made it worth the seconds. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days, and so on.... but they never gave up. They had something rare and something far more beautiful than anyone could see. 

But, some good things come to an end. There reached a point in time where she reached a very hard part in her life and became very depressed and doubtful in their relationship. He would do everything he could to console her.... he'd be loving, caring, compassionate, he'd do special LONG detailed texts about their lives together called "Eyes closed texts".... where he'd have her close her eyes after reading the text and imagine those beautiful moments. And they were always moments he was going to strive hard to give her. But she just wasn't getting better and started feeling a loses of spark, they broke up again..... he was heartbroken and did everything imaginable to win her over, but it was no use until she mentioned that if he were there, she'd feel differently, so secretly, he made a last minute decision to fly over to where she was after having been saving money for months. He told her a week before flying over there. He had to save their relationship. So the day came, his wonderful family drove him to the airport and he was taking the biggest journey of his life thus far. He was about to hold the girl of his dreams in his arms for the first time. He arrived early and while she was at work. They made plans to meet after work and her stay in his hotel because her family didn't know he was there, until the day of. They found out and he had to meet them. Her and her dad picked him up at his hotel the next day and his heart raced as the moments lead up to him meeting her, he walked out his hotel room door and walked towards the office, to see their car parked there. He started running, faster than he'd ever ran before.... she got out of the car to meet him and he held her tightly in his arms, feeling the world fade around.... feeling her heart beat against his and he whispered in her ear, "I'm finally right where I want to be" they pulled back and gazed into one another's eyes, smiling, in complete shock that they were actually together, he met her dad and apologized for all the bad things they did in their relationship. He was very nice and forgiving. They went out to a nice dinner, but the most amazing part of the night.... when they got to their house...... he talked with her dad for awhile, he played piano for her, and then they went out into the backyard.... at 10ish at night..... the cool summer breeze..... the fireflies all around..... the starry night sky above them... it was perfect. They sat in a swing and cuddled and he just couldn't resist it any longer, he lifted her chin and gave her the most passionate kiss he had ever given to anyone.... one with true emotions and love. The world vanished around and it was just the two lovers in blissful happiness in one another's embrace. It was the best moment of his life. They also slow danced to no music under the stars, it was all surreal. They had to take him back to his hotel and even though he was bummed the night was over, he'd get to see her the next day. They gave eachother a goodnight kiss and he felt at peace again. They were a couple again and his life was looking upward. The next day was just as amazing, he met her mom and step dad, and her siblings. They had a nice lunch at a restaraunt. They got back and cuddled on the couch for hours before he had to go back to the airport to fly home. The time came, it was time to leave..... the drive to the airport was bittersweet. He knew he had the best moments with her than he's ever had and he was not ready to go, but he looked forward to the next time. She walked him into the airport. As they stood in line for the ticket counter, they just held eachother tightly... not really saying anything because it was a sad moment. They looked at eachother with love and smiled because at least they knew it wouldn't be the last time..... So they thought, but I'm getting ahead of myself. SHe walked him to security before having to leave, they held eachother so close and so tight.... fighting back a waterfall of tears. He kissed her passionately but that wasn't enough, before she walked away completely, he pulled her back again for one last beautiful kiss to hold him over for awhile.... it was a romantic perfect moment before having to say their "I love you's" and "goodbyes". The plane ride home was long and very sad for him, he didn't know how long it'd be again, but he longed for her kisses, her simple touch, and her embrace..... but he never lost hope. Their relationship remained beautiful and strong, talks about her visiting, and their future together made the time worth it..... but that only lasted for about a month, when the worst finally happened...... they broke up for the 3rd and maybe last time....

....his heart shattered..... his chest collapsed..... he couldn't breathe...... he did everything in his power to try to convince her to stay and nothing was working..... she found someone else...... and he couldn't bear the thoughts of how that man will never take the time of day to making damn sure each moment is perfect. He would cry himself to sleep every night, he'd break down at random times throughout the day, he would wish on 11:11, he would wish on shooting stars, he would even pray to the God he doesn't believe in simply because he couldn't handle losing the love of his life. The love he promised his life and heart to and labeled as "The girl of my dreams" on his bucketlist. He tried to be there for her when her new interest would make her sad, he tried to remain a good friend for her, but it was unspeakably painful..... he watched as everything he ever wanted slipped away..... farther and farther.... like grains of sand through one's fingers.. He still sends her a good morning text each day, he still tells her he loves her because not a single shred of his feelings have been lost for her..... she would say there's never a chance for them again and even though his heart was gone from him, he still keeps hope with what's left of him, that they can have a second chance. He had planned on speninding his life with her, he saw her as his future wife and mother of their children. He saw a billion unexpressably beautiful moments with her and he couldn't imagine as hard as he tried, that he may never as long as he lives, gets that with her. And the thought of someone else is so far out of his realm, that it's impossible to speak of. He loves her, still to this very day.... as time ticks by every second...... seconds feel like years, he doesn't know how to be okay anymore..... his life falls apart around him....... and he cries as he types this...... the story of how he met the perfect woman, the love of his life...... and how she is no longer his...... he barely holds onto her friendship..... he clings to the last things he has from her..... the letters, the messages, the photos...... he dies every day a little more because his heart beat weakens as she gets more distant...... what can he do to save it? How can he be happy again? He needs her...... more than anything in this world. He loves her and will love her......

.......

Forever....... and always....

Passion rant again.... through video...

Very passionate... thanks for watching

extremely short but meaningful post....

11 simple words.... I love her and miss her so much it kills me..

..another passion rant... the feelings just don't go away.

...The very worst part about all that has been happening in my life is that I have to hide behind fake happiness and smiles. The truth is, every part of me is dying and no matter how hard I try to save myself, I just can't. I don't really talk to anybody about all of this because I can't stand the words "You need to move on". The thing is, nobody can begin to understand why that's such an impossible concept for me at the moment. I can try to explain it, but it probably won't make too much of a difference. Losing Maria, was essentially losing a part of myself. She was my better half because what I lack in being a good person, she is. For example, purity. Another big factor of why it's so hard to move on is because I had planned my whole life around her. There's a lot in life that hasn't gone right for me. I worked my ass of through school, took college courses as a freshman, did pretty good on my SAT's, and applied for many scholarships and yet, I didn't get a damn grant or scholarship. Maria was that one thing in my life that was always going just how I wanted it. She was what made me happier than anything and made it so worth waking up and going to work each day, because I knew that it would bring me one step closer to being with her. She was my motivation to keep going and keep fighting because the future I had with her was inexplicably beautiful. It made every long work day, the distance, the lonely nights, the lack of a hug or kiss.... 110% worth it.

I always made sure to show her just how happy she made me, why she means so much.... I always told her exactly what was on my mind because in my mind, all I could think about was how lucky I always felt and how much I cherished having such a perfect girlfriend. It doesn't make a single bit of sense why she'd just throw the best treatment in the world away.... I did nothing wrong and she even told me that. I tried talking to her about it to get some closure, and all she did was explain how if I didn't stop, she'd block me from her life completely. I couldn't bear that, so I stopped.... and now, I continue to have unanswered questions and looming confusion. I'd like to ask her all of these questions:

1. Why her feelings about our future together changed?
2. Why she can't seem to fight for the relationship like she used to and have the passion I do?
3. Whether or not it was hard for her breaking up with me? (Because she doesn't seem like it, and she moved on to someone else in less than a week of us breaking up)
4. Why she doesn't understand how heartbroken I am?
5. Why she'd give up a man who'd always treat her like a beautiful princess?
6. Why she doesn't see that if we stay together, our relationship could easily get stronger if we work through it?
7. Why she says she is tired of being lonely when I was there to talk to every day?
8. (hand in hand with #7) Why physical contact is such a big deal? Like for example, I talked to her every day... and was always available to SEE on skype. I'd talk to her just the same and love her just the same as if I were with her. Why is it such a big deal that she receives hugs and kisses and not just be patient until the next time we'd be together?
9. Why she made it seem like promises meant the world to her and then broke her promises to me?

And to side rant on question 9... Promises.....I always believed that a promise should be binding and that you should never break them. I know it's just a word, but there's a lot of emotion and trust behind it. I promised to never give up on her no matter how hard things got and look at me now, still fighting for her because I love her and promised to always prove that. The worst part about a promise from somebody you deeply love, is when they really build up their promise so that you'll trust them and then they break it and it hurts tremendously. Why is it so easy for people to break a promise? How can a person feel something deeply with their heart one moment and then just throw away something so important and meaningful. I just ask that if you can't prove yourself to a promise, don't make it to someone..... the pain they will feel is just unbearable.

It's so hard to make it through each day..... I can't talk to her when I want, I have to wait for her to message me. I can't tell her I love her a bunch of times during the day. I can't send her long texts of how I feel about her. I can't think straight because I think of her new boyfriend kissing her and not taking the time of day to make sure it's perfect. I can't distract myself enough to put her out of my mind for at least a second. I went to dinner with my roommates and we were in a crowded restaraunt with lots of noise, my roommates talking to me, and yet, all I could do was look through all the old selfie pictures she sent me (it was something I really loved her doing) and try to refrain myself from crying. It's just so hard to even think remotely that I may never have a chance with her again. I had my life mapped out so perfectly with her.... I have that bucketlist item that will always be there and never be completed unless she comes back.... it hurts to know that I may never have that beautiful moment of gazing into her eyes at the alter just before we're pronounced as man and wife.... and not getting to slow dance with her in that spotlight at our reception as the room vanishes around us. I can't breathe knowing I may never wake up beside the love of my life as she lays in blissful sleepy peace. I suffer at the thought of not getting to see her or talk to her when I get home from work.

I am not one to believe that self harm is EVER a way to solve anything, and I still don't think it would, but yet my life is at such a low point that I've held a blade to my wrists quite a few times. I just can't follow through with it because I know that it'd upset her ultimately and I wouldn't want her to come back out of pity instead of actual change of heart. And plus, I wouldn't have the pain tolerance for that. And as a third reason, I can't imagine hurting myself on purpose, sure people cut themselves every day on accident, but that's exactly why it's not so bad..... you didn't know it was coming so you couldn't stop it or know how much it'd hurt. Another thing I've been doing with my life lately is wishing on 11:11 every time it comes up, looking for shooting stars, and praying to God.... even being mostly atheist. I want to give every possibility of her coming back to me even though I don't believe in a single one of those things considering non of my pleas or prayers have ever come true. I just want the off chance that my pleas are answered..

I'm just so tired of waking up and dragging my feet all day because I'm not okay... I'll never be as okay as I should be if the love of my life isn't a part of my life...

....God I love her, there's so many uncountable things I would give to have her back....









I love her so much.... *tears commence*...... I want my angel back....

Passion expression #2.... I thought last night was enough, but it just wasn't...

..I thought last night would be enough of a rant for me, but I guess I realize further each day I'll basically never be able to express how I feel. I was holding back tears today like I do pretty much every day. I always tend to wander in thought and the one thing always on my mind is Maria. I keep thinking about how I may never get to kiss her again, or hold hands with her in the car as I drive, or take her to special places I wanted to take her. I always saw myself coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen cooking dinner... and I'd walk up behind her, grab her around the waist, kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear that I missed her and that I love her. It's so simple and yet so perfect.... and it kills me to know I may never get to do something so simple as that. I miss just telling her I love her just to remind her. I miss hearing it back, with the beautiful way her voice would sing the words.... like an angel. I always imagined just sitting close on the couch as we watch a movie, and me just turning to stare at her. I would stare until she turned and asked "What?" while smiling, and I'd smile back and say, "I'm just lucky... I love you sweetheart" and I'd put my arm around her and pull her tight to me and just hold her like the world is about to end. I hate that I had all these simple but oh so beautiful thoughts and I have to bear the agony of possibly never getting them....

I just always thought our story was incredible. If one second later had gone by, I may have never met her. There's millions of people who use YouTube each day, and many upon many going through what I was going through (sad about a previous breakup) and Maria picked ME of all people to comfort and be here for me. I fell for her so fast because she was so compassionate, funny, smart, beautiful, and just all around breathtaking. I always felt like she was out of my league and that I was lucky to have her. She always made me feel like the only guy who mattered in her life, she made me feel handsome, most of all.... she made me happy..... happier than I'd ever been and more than I can express. I wanted to really be different and break the stigmas of society. I knew we would've had a relationship where we'd always fight to keep a strong love and we'd always stay faithful. I wanted to show the world that you can overcome the distance and the hardships. I wanted people to be amazed at our wedding that despite everything that happened, there we were at the alter vowing our lives together. I learned so much about myself and about love in the year we were together. I never found it in my heart once that I wanted to give up because I had the world with her. My heart just doesn't beat the same anymore.... almost as if it's slowly beating, just enough to keep me alive. I feel empty.... I feel broken...... I feel lost..

Everything I ever wanted was right within my grasp and yet life's unfair attitude decided that her and I can't be together. God, I'd give anything to have her.....

People say I should move on, but nobody can begin to understand why that's impossible for me. I had my life mapped out with her. Everything about my future made sense and was clicking together. I had finally got to meet her in person and I fell harder than ever before for her.... within the way we'd kiss, hug, and just look at eachother. She was going to come visit soon and we were going to finally have the beautiful moment of falling asleep together.... which was always one of her most favorite thoughts because I gave deep detail how that'd be. The jist is that I would've ran my fingers over her soft skin and caress her cheek.... maybe run my fingers through her hair as I whisper loving things to her.... and I'd watch her, in her most peaceful place as she drifts off to sleep and I'd feel happy.... at home.... in her embrace. And I saw us starting our life together soon after... waking up to one another each morning with the gentleness of a touch and the passion of a sweet goodmorning kiss. But that's gone.... everything I want in life is gone.... and why? Where did I go so wrong in life to see the love of my life drift away from me.... and worst of all, she's with another guy now. A guy who will never NEVER dedicate himself like I have.... and she even knows that. A guy who did/does drugs and yet she calls me unpure.... he ignores her from time to time and it's painful to see her upset about it because 1. She deserves better treatment than that, and 2. That I never ignored her.... I always made all my time for her because that's what made me happy and it was an added bonus that it made her happy too. It's sad to think that he gets tired of her and has to ignore her... when he should feel utmost lucky to even have her to begin with. She's an angel and he's not going to give her the time of day to appreciating what she may do for him.

I hate crying every day, I hate feeling life fly by me without my angel to share it with. Every day feels the same except for one detail, that each and every goddamn day is the worst day of my life. Usually after a breakup, you start to heal as time progresses, but 2 1/2 weeks about has gone by and I hurt more each day. And I am forced to hide behind smiles.... nobody could look at me and see how much I'm shattering. I could stand in the middle of a crowd and yet, I'd feel like a blank face in an empty room. I just don't understand what changed. Our relationship was going amazing, we were skyping just about every day and talking on the phone again. We were really happy.... talking about life together and out of nowhere we just fall apart.... and I feel so distant from her when in all reality, I know everything about her. I know what makes her laugh, cry, happy.... I know the important things like why the ring she wears on her middle finger left hand is so important to her. I know even the irrelevant little things like why she has a classroom size whiteboard mounted on her wall in her bedroom. She wanted to be a teacher when she was a little girl and she'd use the whiteboard to "teach her kids".

I feel I'm the only guy who deserves to have her. I'm not concieted, I just KNOW in all my heart that I'd never stop proving to her each and every day why and how much I love her.

I want her..... more than anything else in the world. I want to feel alive again. I hate waking up with no sense of direction. I hate waking up with nothing to look forward to. God, I miss her.... I miss being such an important part of her life..... she'll just never understand the lifechaging impact she made on me.

...I...... I love her.....

...I need to let out a lot of passion and emotion... A LOT of passion....

...I guess I just need to write down all my thoughts, but instead of writing it down, I want to type it on this blog because I just have this deep hope that someone out there is reading this and really feels for me, really understands where my life is at. I've discovered through the past couple weeks that my life is at it's very lowest point and the worst part is, each day hurts more than the last. As most of you who read my blog regularly know, I had been in a Long Distance Relationship for over a year with the most incredible girl in the world and we broke up about 2 weeks ago.... now there's more than meets the eye with this breakup.... it's not like any breakup. As most of you know, I have a deep passion for Maria but truthfully noone will ever begin to understand how much. I've realized in these past two weeks just how passionate I am. Most of my blog posts about our relationship have always been plans for our future, and I realize a lot of people "plan" things they want and don't actually do it.... but the thing is, I meant each plan with all my heart. I hold promises as a very important aspect of life. I don't break promises. It's sad to say that I'm alone in the world on that. Many people make promises they can't keep, but the worst is the person you are deeply in love with. Her and I made so many promises to eachother and looking back and reading those promises puts me in an unexplainable pain...

I just realize more than ever before how passionate I am about her because I can't go a day without crying, I cry myself to sleep every damn night because I have to bear the thought that she may never get to be my future any more. I started to cry myself to sleep tonight but I needed a release and so I decided to start typing this. You'll see in this post how much passion I feel.... how deeply I hurt. When she was my girlfriend, I woke up each day with hope and looked forward because I knew that I had her to always keep me happy.... each day was the best day of my life because she was still a makor part of it. Well now, each day is just far worse than the previous.... I wake up without texting her before going to work and I feel alone.... I work through the day knowing I can't text her on my breaks or get to talk to her after work like I used to... on the phone or on skype happily together. No, instead... I always have to think about some other guy taking my place.... and it kills me to know that he will never show an ounce of the dedication I have. He's not going to make sure each kiss is perfect, that each moment is cherished, that he always will do the little things as well as the big things to making her happy, to always be truthful and faithful..... and most of all, he's never going to be able to look at her 80 years from now and say to her on that front porch as they sit in their rocking chairs, "I have never stopped falling for you". It kills me to know that I lost everything I ever wanted all because of some mistakes I made in the past.

What people don't realize is the extent to what Maria means to me.... saying it is never going to be enough.... they'd have to be in my mind to understand it. Because I made a bucketlist about 2 years ago and on that list is the #2 item "Stay together with the girl of my dreams" and that item on my list was always going to be my biggest goal.... because in life, people are always searching for love and I would feel empty completing everything else on that list without someone to complete it with. I had wrote Maria's name as that #2 item because I feel it in my blood and bones. I just saw my life with her.... how many people can see the person they want to marry before it happens? I saw it like a perfect photograph in front of my eyes. Her and I always talked seriously about marriage, kids, and life together. The things we talked about were so beyond beautiful, like holding our little girl in our arms right after she was born.... and to bear the thought that I may never get to have that..... well..... makes me cry as I type this.....

I can easily say I love her and want to be with her..... but people don't understand the passion I place behind those simple words. I was going to dedicate my entire life to making sure she was always safe, loved, and happy. I was always going to devote myself as a perfect husband for her, one who'd take care of her when she's sick, comfort her through thick and thin, kiss her goodnight, goodmorning, and a billion times in between with utmost passion each time, and just fall for her more and more each day as I have throughout our relationship. She changed my life.... there's just something unexplainable about her that always kept me fighting. Times had gotten unbearably hard for us, and yet.... it never crossed my mind for a second that I'd need to even THINK about giving up. She was always worth the fight. Another very painful part about all of this is that people probably think I'm obsessive and that's really not the case..... it's just so rare in the world nowadays to find someone who really genuinly loves you and would dedicate everything they have to you. It's rare to find someone who won't ever give up in you just because times got hard. I believe in the fact that a relationship can grow stronger the more you work through problems.... it allows you to give time for things to get better and they always will. Maria and I always worked through our problems and came out stronger than ever. It's just my past had got to her and she couldn't take it.... it hurts...... a lot more than anybody could understand.

It's 1 am as I type this, I have to wake up for work in 5 1/2 hours and yet, I can't begin to sleep because I have to lay here knowing that she's not by my side.... which is no different than when we were a couple, but at least as a couple, I could imagine the nights I'd eventually get to never sleep alone again. But now, I cry at the very thought that I may never get to fall asleep with her..... watching her drift off into happy blissful sleep as I hold her tightly in my arms.... where she'd feel protected and loved. I have to wake up every morning knowing I'll never get to know what it's like to kiss her good morning and get to be excited to come home to her after work. God, I love her....

Her and I are trying to remain friends and for her, it's easy.... for me, it kills me. I need to be a part of her life so friends is my only option but it hurts to know I can talk to her, but not like I used to. A simple but very sad example is tonight. She's been sick the past couple days and so tonight I was trying to talk to her and make her feel better andbefore, when we were a couple... I would always try to make her feel better by saying things like "I'll be right over to make you some soup and cuddle with you on the couch while we watch movies" I can't say things like that any more because she doesn't see me that way. And when there's a lull in the conversation, I can't say "I miss you" or "I love you" any more to start a new conversation.... I have to think of something relevant to talk about. It hurts to hide behind empty smiles.... it hurts that nobody knows just how much I'm shattering.... I seriously lost the love of my life and being 19 and young, people don't believe that what I have for her is real, but I'm not naive.... I know how I feel and I know that nothing would ever stop me from devoting all I have to her. I have more than proved that...

There is just no life after her, and people say things get better in time.... they just DON'T understand.... I planned my LIFE around her. I've never been a person to really focus on one task too long. I've never been able to try so hard for something. But she was that one thing I got stuck on... nothing about the distance or hardships we faced, ever gave me a grounds for giving up. I just know how much everything would've been worth it. Being with her for those 2 days in July made me the happiest I've ever felt. I will never forget the way I felt when I kissed her. Everything in the world just......stopped........ I had complete tunnel vision and she was my only focus...... god...... I may never get to kiss her again...... and that KILLS me.....

I've tried to play around with the idea of moving on, and I can't do it. I just will always have that bucketlist and her name there. I'm a firm believer in fighting for dreams... so if I stopped fighting to achieve being with her.... I will have broke the biggest promise to myself, which is fighting for the thing I want most in life. It's just hard to imagine I could ever be happy..... I could be in my dream career, but what good is that when I won't have the love of my life to share my success with? And I HATE when people tell me to move on, nobody has felt the way I have.... and I gurantee that if they did, they'd think twice about telling me to move on. I had pure happiness with her, and that's gone.... and plus, it wouldn't be fair for me to date someone else and have all those pent of feelings for Maria. And the new girl would feel so inadequate knowing that I had planned my life with Maria and have her name on my bucketlist for the rest of my life. Basically, it'd always make the new girl feel in 2nd place.

I wish it was easy to explain how much I love Maria, I wish I could show the entire world that...I wish I could to show that there is still true love in this world and that dreams are worth fighting for.... but nobody understands.... and truthfully, not even me..... but all I know is that I want her, more than anything else in the world.... no matter how much pain I endure, I have hope that I can have the love of my life back.... it's too painful to imagine otherwise....

I love her.... forever and always....

Item #2: Help me achieve my dream (HUGE lifechanging moment...)

I know I haven't done a blog post in what feels like a decade, but this one is BIG (not length wise)...

There's so much that has happened since I visited Maria.... we became exceptionally strong in our relationship, we were skyping a lot, planning for her to visit, talking on the phone again, talking about marriage and kids, we were really happy. But we broke up almost 2 weeks ago and my life is in shambles, each day just gets far worse than the last because I have to bear a day where she's not a part of my life anymore..... but then I decided this..... so PLEASE, watch it and share it with everyone you know. People can contact me via YouTube messaging or I can give my email or whatever for donations.... thanks for taking the time to watch this and sharing it.

LDR Tuesday: Aftermath of meeting her....

...Let's just say, I had never felt happier or more at peace than being with her. It was amazing to feel everything finally fall perfectly into place. Every kiss, embrace, and moment was incredible. The way we talked, kissed, slow danced (yes we slow danced in the moonlight to no music :3), held eachother, and just looked at eachother felt so natural and perfect. I know now more than ever before that she is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There's not a doubt in my mind that this is what I want.... she is my life, my love, and my forever. <3

Could a kiss be any more perfect than that? :')

So much going on in life right now! HUGE life update!! :D

I finally decided to get onto doing a blog post. Sorry for the extreme delay... but this post should make up for it.

As of right now, I am sitting in Phoenix, Arizona airport after my flight from Portland, Oregon and on my way to meet Maria for the first time!! It's all so surreal. Basically what happened was, our relationship was falling into the deep end and we essentially broke up. Though she was telling me there was no chance for us because of the distance, I knew that if I were to fly to her, we'd be able to bring "us" back. Since the breakup (June 30th) We have also been able to work through a lot of issues and have became strong as is. We've had incredible nights on skype and talking about this trip has brought us incredible close. Unfortunately, I only get to stay from the 13th until the 15th because of work. I would've asked for more time off, but this trip was planned a week prior. Regardless though, this is definitely the biggest moment of my life so far. :') I'm getting to meet the love of my life for the first time and I can't contain my excitement! There is a bit of downfall though, her family doesn't know I'll be there... and it kills me. Our reasoning for that is because they would not support it. She has to tell them that she's staying at a friend's house in order for us to spend time together. Ideally, I want to meet her family because I have nothing to hide.... I want to prove to them that I am worthy for their daughter because I'll always treat her with love and respect... but it's our only option to go behind them. She'll be 18 next month so things may change for the better. Back to happy thoughts though... :) I'm meeting her after she gets off work, I know that when she gets in my line of sight, the world will stop as I run to her.... we plan on slow dancing together, cuddling, kissing, and making the best of each moment. ^-^ We're opening a very big next chapter to our story. I couldn't be happier! :')

This moment to me means everything, I feel inside myself that I'm showing how passionate I am about her... I mean, I made a trip for 2,000 miles only LAST WEEK, spending almost $1,000, only spending a mere two days, missing 3 days of work, and risking going behind her family's back.... all because I love Maria more than anything else in this world and so those things don't matter.... I promised my heart to her and I wasn't about to lose what keeps my heart beating. I had to make this trip in order to get the love of my life back. :)

That's basically it about relationship things, other life updates would be that I just moved into my own apartment a little over a week ago. My best friend and I had been planning on it for a few weeks and took the step. :) So that's been going well, my job is steady, I've had a better relationship with my family lately (Who I want to give huge credit and thanks to for driving me to the airport and fully supporting this trip. I love you guys) and just the fact that life is going well for me.... now the only thing I need now is to keep Maria.... that's what would make my life complete. :) <3

That's about it... I'll really try to bring my blog posts back since I have internet, it's just been busy for me lately. Thanks for taking a look though. :)

Lack of internet.... :/

i realized something today. i had been staying at someones house house sitting and had free internet. well now... im back home where my parents have me locked out. i have a prepaid interent device that i can get interent on but i wont be able to put new data on it til Friday the 21st. :/ and doing it frommy phone is a bit tesious so until then syay tuned.

Monday: Car of the Day! 1969 Dodge Charger [R/T]

The '69 Charger R/T so happens to be my favorite car of all time... a car that I hope to own someday. I'm a big Mopar fanatic and especially for Dodge muscle cars.

The '69 Charger was brought up from the previous '68 with a more stock-car based style. The '69 Charger Daytona with the high spoiler and unique nose cone was in a lot of stock car racing at the time. (Pictured Below)

'69 Charger Daytonas on a trailer

Example of the stock-car version

The '69 Charger had essentially the same body style as the Daytona except differing in the front nose cone. The '69 Charger boasted a 425 horsepower, Over-Head Valve V8 @ 5,000 RPM's and 490 torques for 4,000 RPM's. The standard base price at the time was around $4,641. (Gawd, I'd kill to get one that cheap now!) They typically were around 3,670 pounds in weight. The 0-60 speed was 5.7 seconds and a quarter mile was estimated at 13.48 seconds at 109 mph.

What a lot of people probably don't realize, is that the Charger was notoriously recognized from the TV show Dukes of Hazzard in which an orange '69 with a confederate flag on top was featured. The car was also known as The General Lee in the show..

The General Lee in all its glory

BONUS: Epic shot from Dukes of Hazzard

 My reasons for loving this car so much is because I enjoy the look of it. It's got a very mean looking and powerful body style. Also they come with a 425 V8, I mean c'mon.... who wouldn't want to drive something that beastly? :P I just hope to own one someday that looks much like this one except lime green or Plum Crazy Purple (A mopar signature color)

I think the first Car Of The Day post went rather successful. Hope you enjoyed it. Any questions or comments are of course appreciated. :)

Bringing back my blog!!

So I've realized that I really miss doing my blog... I figured out a way to remember to do it on my scheduled days, I set an alarm for 10 pm. I'm going to be doing my posts the night before the scheduled day. So for example, on Monday I'm changing up that day to a car of the day post instead of skateboarding because I love cars, and feel that it'd be easy to pick a car every Monday to write about. The reason for replacing skateboarding is because the skate things I post, most skaters probably already know. Anyways, I'll be doing the Monday post on Sunday night. It's easier to manage that way.

I've got lots to write about for life, LDR, and other shiznat so stay tuned! :) It'll be nice to be back.. ^-^

Have a pretty gnarly "welcome back to my blog" picture.. :P

Damn.... just..... damn. I'm sorry guys. :P

I realize it's been about a month since my last post.... basically, working full time takes a lot out of you. I really don't know if I'll continue this blog on it's schedule. But I want to still do my LDR updates every once in awhile. I don't have anything musically relevant for today. I'm sorry for the let downs guys (that is, the people who actually read my blog) :P

As for life, just a lot of working. About 40-60 hours a week, I've got $650 saved for an apartment and the same amount saved for my Ohio trip whenever that will be... (date got pushed again. :/) but her and I are are stronger than ever. (Will post more details eventually) I am currently house sitting for my grandparents for about a month so it's like having my own place which is cool.... I just know it'll get a bit lonely some nights. I'll be wishing for her to be here and she can't... it sucks. T_T

Anyways, that's about what has gone on lately. I'll try to post more frequently but no promises. Just keep checking in, I don't plan on getting rid of my blog completely. :P

LDR Tuesday: A real positive view. :)

So at work today, I had mentioned to my coworker Charlie that my girlfriend lives on Ohio. Much to my surprise, he was very interested in it and started asking all sorts of questions. "How'd you meet?" "How long have you been together?" And other questions. I told him our story and he listened with respect and it made me really happy that somebody was so interested. I explained to him in the short version of what her and I went through and he was telling me how amazing it is what we have. He explained how it's amazing that two people can have a connection that carries that sort of distance and time frame. It really hit close to home for someone, who had never been in a long distance relationship to say something like that. It felt great. I had this pre-existing notion that nobody and I mean NOBODY could understand an LDR if you've never been in one. But he made some good points.

I wished that all people could have that mentality, we get such a bad rap for being in LDR's but when you have such strong feelings for a person, the time and distance doesn't matter. Love is love....feelings are the same no matter where you are because everyone's heart beats the same. LDR's show the true magic of love because it shows that love can carry across miles upon miles of distance and make you feel closer to that person than anything ever before. If you can trust somebody that far away from you, not being able to see what they're doing.... that's beyond special. It also shows how special a simple phone call, text, message, or Skype date is. You cherish every tiny moment you spend talking to them. You cherish each talk you have even if it's about nothing. Most relationships, you'd get tired of talking to them every day but for me, getting to talk to her every day makes me complete. It's hard to go a day without talking to her. I cherish each and every conversation, memory, funny time we had, or "nothing" conversations. :)

There's so many more reasons to appreciate the fact of a LDR than to shun it down. There's so much more passion within the realtionship because you don't rely on looks, hugs, kisses, and touches; you rely on conversation and personality; passion and love; honesty and hope; serious moments and moments where you  laugh together and make the best of each moment. You can have a relationship that goes many miles, it just takes patience and effort and anybody willing to give that to another person is somebody well worth keeping.

That's why I love you Maria (since I know you're reading this. :P) Because you strive hard to keep us strong as I do too. You love me for all that I am and despite this distance between us. You allow me to be myself without fear of judging, without fear of not being what you want. You allow me to not only love you as my girlfriend, but also as my best friend. My best friend who I can share every inner most feeling with, every desire, and anything else with you.  Thanks for giving so much of yourself as I have with you. I love you.

Skateboarding Monday: Stuff.... that is all. :P

Lately, I haven't been skating at all due to the full time job and exhaustion that it creates but I definitely want to get our there one of these day and get to it. In terms of skateboarding "news" I got none that would've be already known.... hence the new "Berrics" opening up. But I'm sure if you're a skater and at least know enough about pros and happenings in skateboarding, you'd know that.

Truth is, I got lazy today and had nothing to write about. But here is an old Skate Montage that my friend Colton and I threw together. We lost #1 so unfortuantely, this is out of order.A number 3 may happen eventually that will completely blow this one out of the water. I have Sony Vegas Pro 10 for editing now and an HD camera and we've gotten substantially better at skateboarding.... just trying to find the time to film it all, edit it, and upload it, is a bit hard due to my schedule. Anyways, Unique Skateboarding 2

I'll try to have a better post next week but no guarantees. :P

Music Wednesday: Great songs for Long Distance Couples.

It's still musically relevant OK?! :P These are the songs I listen to when I miss my girlfriend.... which is every.freaking.day! Enjoy. :)

Starting with Far Away by Nickleback... yes, I KNOW it's Nickleback, but this song is great... I only just recently started listening to it because it's one one of the CD's my lovely girlfriend burned for me.



#2 She is by The Fray.... it's so perfect for me!



#3 The Distance by Hot Chelle Rae.... because it's obvious. :P My favorite line, "The distance is what's killing me, time and space have become the enemy, and what I need, is so far away." That line hits close to home..

#4 By Your Side by Lifehouse.... not really a long distance song but it gives you hope for them to be "by your side" eventually. :) 

#5 Come Home by One Republic.... not to get confused with One Direction. I need her to come home where she should be. :/

#6 Tomorrow and Forever by One Step Away... he only says, "I'm running just as fast as I can, to get to you across town..." Not really long distancem but I use it as a metaphor. Me working this job I'm in now is like "running across town" to see her, where she's so close and yet so far.

#7 I Can't Wait by Runner Runner not really a long distance song either, if at all... but for those who love your signifant other so much you want to marry them, this song is PERFECT. By far one of my favorites. :)

#8 Anywhere But Here by Safetysuit..... "I'd rather be anywhere but here without you" I think we all feel like that... 

#9 Set Fire to the Third Bar..... self explainable.... this song is obviously long distance. First paragraph sums it up.. "I find the map and draw a straight line

Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face"

#10 Wait For Me by Theory of a Deadman.... the fact our significant other is willing to wait for us like we are for them is simply a gift within itself, this song does a great job showing that. :)

#11 All or Nothing by Theory of a Deadman.... "We got our backs against the ocean

It's just us against the world,Looking at all or nothing...Babe it's you and I".... we all take on these long distance relationships with hope and passion. This song shows that passion in them vs. the world.

#12 and lastly Perfect for Me by Ron Pope. There's a reason why we stay in these LDR's, there's something really special about that person that keeps you fighting to make it work. For me, my girlfriend is perfect for me in every way. There's a line in the song that hits the heart HARD.... especially with all that my girlfriend and I have been through... "It's not always easy, but somehow our love stays strong, if I can make you happy, then this is where I belong" I feel it fits LDR's well because they're not easy.... it takes a lot of time and effort but when a person is perfect for you, you fight to keep that love strong. :)

LDR Tuesday: UPDATES! :D

So much has happened within our relationship the past few weeks. First off, we've argued a substantial amount less after a big argument we had. Things are really smooth for us. :)

A big thing that happened is the fact that because of my new job, I can easily save for the trip to go see her now! It's MOST likely going to happen and I can't even contain my excitement! We don't have a set date yet but we're HOPING for August. I'll be staying in a hotel (due to parental issues :/) but she'll have her license and we'll go do lots of fun things together. We'll probably go to a little ice-cream shop called Softies, take walks, star gaze, and who knows what else? :)

Also, we'll get to start video chatting again on May 11th and I am ecstatic for that because I miss her gorgeous eyes and smile.

We've had a lot of serious talks about the future lately and I think what's going to happen is she'll be moving in with me sometime after August.... no idear how long or anything but that's our hopes. I can't wait to start living a life with her because this distance is really getting on my nerves. :P

Lastly, out 10 months are this Saturday and our ONE YEAR on June 13th. I simply can't believe it, that seem like such a short time ago, I told her I loved her and here we are a year later and my love for her has only grown. :)

This relationship still to this day means everything to me and it always will.... I love how this is the one thing in my life that will forever be there.... I KNOW it with all my heart.

Anyways, that's LDR Tuesday for this week, lots of updates, lots of happiness, and lots of love. :)

Til next week....

I'm back!!! FInally!!! Also, life updates (LDR stuff will be updated on Tuesday)

So as if you couldn't tell, my laptop is finally fixed. It's been rough.... things kept going wrong. The wrong screen was ordered, couldn't find a cheap replacement, found a middle man to order a screen but his distributor chaged policies. It's been dreadful but I'm so happy now. :D

Anyways, on to life updates. I guess the main thing is really that I quit my jobs at KFC and Carl's Jr. because I got offered a job at a full-time production plant building cabinet frames.It's called Lanz Caninets. I get paid $10 an hour, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and then overtime which is common because summer is coming up, in fact I have to work tomorrow (a saturday). Unfortunately though, because it's only my 3rd day, overtime doesn't count this week because I haven't worked 40 hours yet. This job will help me save for an apartment and my Ohio trip but the trip is to be talked about on Tuesday. Also, my friend Trevor took over my old job at KFC so if he gets good hours, we're going to try to be roommates.

I guess not much else has happened since my laptop incident but it's still been pretty busy. Thanks for coming back to blog at waiting for me, I'm happy to be back. :)

Lack of Blog Updates explanation!

So the reason behind my lack of blog posts for the past couple weeks is due to the fact that my laptop screen broke and have been waiting for a replacement. There were some shipping errors so I still have another week or so before I get my laptop up and running again. I tell you, it hasn't been easy considering how much I used it. And not being able to play minecraft has been dreadful! :P

But anyways, I'm getting to use my mother's laptop for the night so felt like giving this update. Hold in there and I'll be back to my usual antics when my laptop is up and running.

Valentines Gifts from Maria. :)

I'm replacing my music post today with what I got from Maria for Valentines day for 2 reasons...

1. I am just super happy about what she got me and have to share!
and 2. Because I couldn't think of a music post today.

While it is late, who cares? It's still super sweet of her to send me something when she certainly didn't have to send me anything at all. She sent me a letter, two "Love Songs" CD's, some pirate tattoos, and a hulk watch. (The Tattoos and the hulk watch are basically an inside joke.... I'd tell them but that'd take away from them being an inside joke, thus taking the specialness away from them.) I absolutely love EVERYTHING about the package she sent me. :)

Here they are...

The envelope for the letter ATTACKED by kisses. :)

My CDs. :) Definitely amazing songs she put on them. 

The package for the Hulk watch. She's so clever... :) (No sarcasm intended)

Tattoos!! Now I can be a total badass with my pirate tattoos. :P

Top of the pirate tattoos. There's an inside joke with the Johnny Depp thing. :P
I dunno what's with the JB stickers? O.o XD

Wearing the watch with a pirate tattoo on my forearm. Yeah, I actually wear the stuff my girlfriend got me because they mean a lot to me. Not cheesy at all. :)

 So as you can plainly see, my girlfriend is just amazing! I love her with all my heart. She has an amazing sense of humor, it's great having inside jokes with her, and she knows the things that make me smile. I'm a lucky guy! :D