...I guess I just need to write down all my thoughts, but instead of writing it down, I want to type it on this blog because I just have this deep hope that someone out there is reading this and really feels for me, really understands where my life is at. I've discovered through the past couple weeks that my life is at it's very lowest point and the worst part is, each day hurts more than the last. As most of you who read my blog regularly know, I had been in a Long Distance Relationship for over a year with the most incredible girl in the world and we broke up about 2 weeks ago.... now there's more than meets the eye with this breakup.... it's not like any breakup. As most of you know, I have a deep passion for Maria but truthfully noone will ever begin to understand how much. I've realized in these past two weeks just how passionate I am. Most of my blog posts about our relationship have always been plans for our future, and I realize a lot of people "plan" things they want and don't actually do it.... but the thing is, I meant each plan with all my heart. I hold promises as a very important aspect of life. I don't break promises. It's sad to say that I'm alone in the world on that. Many people make promises they can't keep, but the worst is the person you are deeply in love with. Her and I made so many promises to eachother and looking back and reading those promises puts me in an unexplainable pain...
I just realize more than ever before how passionate I am about her because I can't go a day without crying, I cry myself to sleep every damn night because I have to bear the thought that she may never get to be my future any more. I started to cry myself to sleep tonight but I needed a release and so I decided to start typing this. You'll see in this post how much passion I feel.... how deeply I hurt. When she was my girlfriend, I woke up each day with hope and looked forward because I knew that I had her to always keep me happy.... each day was the best day of my life because she was still a makor part of it. Well now, each day is just far worse than the previous.... I wake up without texting her before going to work and I feel alone.... I work through the day knowing I can't text her on my breaks or get to talk to her after work like I used to... on the phone or on skype happily together. No, instead... I always have to think about some other guy taking my place.... and it kills me to know that he will never show an ounce of the dedication I have. He's not going to make sure each kiss is perfect, that each moment is cherished, that he always will do the little things as well as the big things to making her happy, to always be truthful and faithful..... and most of all, he's never going to be able to look at her 80 years from now and say to her on that front porch as they sit in their rocking chairs, "I have never stopped falling for you". It kills me to know that I lost everything I ever wanted all because of some mistakes I made in the past.
What people don't realize is the extent to what Maria means to me.... saying it is never going to be enough.... they'd have to be in my mind to understand it. Because I made a bucketlist about 2 years ago and on that list is the #2 item "Stay together with the girl of my dreams" and that item on my list was always going to be my biggest goal.... because in life, people are always searching for love and I would feel empty completing everything else on that list without someone to complete it with. I had wrote Maria's name as that #2 item because I feel it in my blood and bones. I just saw my life with her.... how many people can see the person they want to marry before it happens? I saw it like a perfect photograph in front of my eyes. Her and I always talked seriously about marriage, kids, and life together. The things we talked about were so beyond beautiful, like holding our little girl in our arms right after she was born.... and to bear the thought that I may never get to have that..... well..... makes me cry as I type this.....
I can easily say I love her and want to be with her..... but people don't understand the passion I place behind those simple words. I was going to dedicate my entire life to making sure she was always safe, loved, and happy. I was always going to devote myself as a perfect husband for her, one who'd take care of her when she's sick, comfort her through thick and thin, kiss her goodnight, goodmorning, and a billion times in between with utmost passion each time, and just fall for her more and more each day as I have throughout our relationship. She changed my life.... there's just something unexplainable about her that always kept me fighting. Times had gotten unbearably hard for us, and yet.... it never crossed my mind for a second that I'd need to even THINK about giving up. She was always worth the fight. Another very painful part about all of this is that people probably think I'm obsessive and that's really not the case..... it's just so rare in the world nowadays to find someone who really genuinly loves you and would dedicate everything they have to you. It's rare to find someone who won't ever give up in you just because times got hard. I believe in the fact that a relationship can grow stronger the more you work through problems.... it allows you to give time for things to get better and they always will. Maria and I always worked through our problems and came out stronger than ever. It's just my past had got to her and she couldn't take it.... it hurts...... a lot more than anybody could understand.
It's 1 am as I type this, I have to wake up for work in 5 1/2 hours and yet, I can't begin to sleep because I have to lay here knowing that she's not by my side.... which is no different than when we were a couple, but at least as a couple, I could imagine the nights I'd eventually get to never sleep alone again. But now, I cry at the very thought that I may never get to fall asleep with her..... watching her drift off into happy blissful sleep as I hold her tightly in my arms.... where she'd feel protected and loved. I have to wake up every morning knowing I'll never get to know what it's like to kiss her good morning and get to be excited to come home to her after work. God, I love her....
Her and I are trying to remain friends and for her, it's easy.... for me, it kills me. I need to be a part of her life so friends is my only option but it hurts to know I can talk to her, but not like I used to. A simple but very sad example is tonight. She's been sick the past couple days and so tonight I was trying to talk to her and make her feel better andbefore, when we were a couple... I would always try to make her feel better by saying things like "I'll be right over to make you some soup and cuddle with you on the couch while we watch movies" I can't say things like that any more because she doesn't see me that way. And when there's a lull in the conversation, I can't say "I miss you" or "I love you" any more to start a new conversation.... I have to think of something relevant to talk about. It hurts to hide behind empty smiles.... it hurts that nobody knows just how much I'm shattering.... I seriously lost the love of my life and being 19 and young, people don't believe that what I have for her is real, but I'm not naive.... I know how I feel and I know that nothing would ever stop me from devoting all I have to her. I have more than proved that...
There is just no life after her, and people say things get better in time.... they just DON'T understand.... I planned my LIFE around her. I've never been a person to really focus on one task too long. I've never been able to try so hard for something. But she was that one thing I got stuck on... nothing about the distance or hardships we faced, ever gave me a grounds for giving up. I just know how much everything would've been worth it. Being with her for those 2 days in July made me the happiest I've ever felt. I will never forget the way I felt when I kissed her. Everything in the world just......stopped........ I had complete tunnel vision and she was my only focus...... god...... I may never get to kiss her again...... and that KILLS me.....
I've tried to play around with the idea of moving on, and I can't do it. I just will always have that bucketlist and her name there. I'm a firm believer in fighting for dreams... so if I stopped fighting to achieve being with her.... I will have broke the biggest promise to myself, which is fighting for the thing I want most in life. It's just hard to imagine I could ever be happy..... I could be in my dream career, but what good is that when I won't have the love of my life to share my success with? And I HATE when people tell me to move on, nobody has felt the way I have.... and I gurantee that if they did, they'd think twice about telling me to move on. I had pure happiness with her, and that's gone.... and plus, it wouldn't be fair for me to date someone else and have all those pent of feelings for Maria. And the new girl would feel so inadequate knowing that I had planned my life with Maria and have her name on my bucketlist for the rest of my life. Basically, it'd always make the new girl feel in 2nd place.
I wish it was easy to explain how much I love Maria, I wish I could show the entire world that...I wish I could to show that there is still true love in this world and that dreams are worth fighting for.... but nobody understands.... and truthfully, not even me..... but all I know is that I want her, more than anything else in the world.... no matter how much pain I endure, I have hope that I can have the love of my life back.... it's too painful to imagine otherwise....
I love her.... forever and always....
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