...The very worst part about all that has been happening in my life is that I have to hide behind fake happiness and smiles. The truth is, every part of me is dying and no matter how hard I try to save myself, I just can't. I don't really talk to anybody about all of this because I can't stand the words "You need to move on". The thing is, nobody can begin to understand why that's such an impossible concept for me at the moment. I can try to explain it, but it probably won't make too much of a difference. Losing Maria, was essentially losing a part of myself. She was my better half because what I lack in being a good person, she is. For example, purity. Another big factor of why it's so hard to move on is because I had planned my whole life around her. There's a lot in life that hasn't gone right for me. I worked my ass of through school, took college courses as a freshman, did pretty good on my SAT's, and applied for many scholarships and yet, I didn't get a damn grant or scholarship. Maria was that one thing in my life that was always going just how I wanted it. She was what made me happier than anything and made it so worth waking up and going to work each day, because I knew that it would bring me one step closer to being with her. She was my motivation to keep going and keep fighting because the future I had with her was inexplicably beautiful. It made every long work day, the distance, the lonely nights, the lack of a hug or kiss.... 110% worth it.
I always made sure to show her just how happy she made me, why she means so much.... I always told her exactly what was on my mind because in my mind, all I could think about was how lucky I always felt and how much I cherished having such a perfect girlfriend. It doesn't make a single bit of sense why she'd just throw the best treatment in the world away.... I did nothing wrong and she even told me that. I tried talking to her about it to get some closure, and all she did was explain how if I didn't stop, she'd block me from her life completely. I couldn't bear that, so I stopped.... and now, I continue to have unanswered questions and looming confusion. I'd like to ask her all of these questions:
1. Why her feelings about our future together changed?
2. Why she can't seem to fight for the relationship like she used to and have the passion I do?
3. Whether or not it was hard for her breaking up with me? (Because she doesn't seem like it, and she moved on to someone else in less than a week of us breaking up)
4. Why she doesn't understand how heartbroken I am?
5. Why she'd give up a man who'd always treat her like a beautiful princess?
6. Why she doesn't see that if we stay together, our relationship could easily get stronger if we work through it?
7. Why she says she is tired of being lonely when I was there to talk to every day?
8. (hand in hand with #7) Why physical contact is such a big deal? Like for example, I talked to her every day... and was always available to SEE on skype. I'd talk to her just the same and love her just the same as if I were with her. Why is it such a big deal that she receives hugs and kisses and not just be patient until the next time we'd be together?
9. Why she made it seem like promises meant the world to her and then broke her promises to me?
And to side rant on question 9... Promises.....I always believed that a promise should be binding and that you should never break them. I know it's just a word, but there's a lot of emotion and trust behind it. I promised to never give up on her no matter how hard things got and look at me now, still fighting for her because I love her and promised to always prove that. The worst part about a promise from somebody you deeply love, is when they really build up their promise so that you'll trust them and then they break it and it hurts tremendously. Why is it so easy for people to break a promise? How can a person feel something deeply with their heart one moment and then just throw away something so important and meaningful. I just ask that if you can't prove yourself to a promise, don't make it to someone..... the pain they will feel is just unbearable.
It's so hard to make it through each day..... I can't talk to her when I want, I have to wait for her to message me. I can't tell her I love her a bunch of times during the day. I can't send her long texts of how I feel about her. I can't think straight because I think of her new boyfriend kissing her and not taking the time of day to make sure it's perfect. I can't distract myself enough to put her out of my mind for at least a second. I went to dinner with my roommates and we were in a crowded restaraunt with lots of noise, my roommates talking to me, and yet, all I could do was look through all the old selfie pictures she sent me (it was something I really loved her doing) and try to refrain myself from crying. It's just so hard to even think remotely that I may never have a chance with her again. I had my life mapped out so perfectly with her.... I have that bucketlist item that will always be there and never be completed unless she comes back.... it hurts to know that I may never have that beautiful moment of gazing into her eyes at the alter just before we're pronounced as man and wife.... and not getting to slow dance with her in that spotlight at our reception as the room vanishes around us. I can't breathe knowing I may never wake up beside the love of my life as she lays in blissful sleepy peace. I suffer at the thought of not getting to see her or talk to her when I get home from work.
I am not one to believe that self harm is EVER a way to solve anything, and I still don't think it would, but yet my life is at such a low point that I've held a blade to my wrists quite a few times. I just can't follow through with it because I know that it'd upset her ultimately and I wouldn't want her to come back out of pity instead of actual change of heart. And plus, I wouldn't have the pain tolerance for that. And as a third reason, I can't imagine hurting myself on purpose, sure people cut themselves every day on accident, but that's exactly why it's not so bad..... you didn't know it was coming so you couldn't stop it or know how much it'd hurt. Another thing I've been doing with my life lately is wishing on 11:11 every time it comes up, looking for shooting stars, and praying to God.... even being mostly atheist. I want to give every possibility of her coming back to me even though I don't believe in a single one of those things considering non of my pleas or prayers have ever come true. I just want the off chance that my pleas are answered..
I'm just so tired of waking up and dragging my feet all day because I'm not okay... I'll never be as okay as I should be if the love of my life isn't a part of my life...
....God I love her, there's so many uncountable things I would give to have her back....
I love her so much.... *tears commence*...... I want my angel back....
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