..I thought last night would be enough of a rant for me, but I guess I realize further each day I'll basically never be able to express how I feel. I was holding back tears today like I do pretty much every day. I always tend to wander in thought and the one thing always on my mind is Maria. I keep thinking about how I may never get to kiss her again, or hold hands with her in the car as I drive, or take her to special places I wanted to take her. I always saw myself coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen cooking dinner... and I'd walk up behind her, grab her around the waist, kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear that I missed her and that I love her. It's so simple and yet so perfect.... and it kills me to know I may never get to do something so simple as that. I miss just telling her I love her just to remind her. I miss hearing it back, with the beautiful way her voice would sing the words.... like an angel. I always imagined just sitting close on the couch as we watch a movie, and me just turning to stare at her. I would stare until she turned and asked "What?" while smiling, and I'd smile back and say, "I'm just lucky... I love you sweetheart" and I'd put my arm around her and pull her tight to me and just hold her like the world is about to end. I hate that I had all these simple but oh so beautiful thoughts and I have to bear the agony of possibly never getting them....
I just always thought our story was incredible. If one second later had gone by, I may have never met her. There's millions of people who use YouTube each day, and many upon many going through what I was going through (sad about a previous breakup) and Maria picked ME of all people to comfort and be here for me. I fell for her so fast because she was so compassionate, funny, smart, beautiful, and just all around breathtaking. I always felt like she was out of my league and that I was lucky to have her. She always made me feel like the only guy who mattered in her life, she made me feel handsome, most of all.... she made me happy..... happier than I'd ever been and more than I can express. I wanted to really be different and break the stigmas of society. I knew we would've had a relationship where we'd always fight to keep a strong love and we'd always stay faithful. I wanted to show the world that you can overcome the distance and the hardships. I wanted people to be amazed at our wedding that despite everything that happened, there we were at the alter vowing our lives together. I learned so much about myself and about love in the year we were together. I never found it in my heart once that I wanted to give up because I had the world with her. My heart just doesn't beat the same anymore.... almost as if it's slowly beating, just enough to keep me alive. I feel empty.... I feel broken...... I feel lost..
Everything I ever wanted was right within my grasp and yet life's unfair attitude decided that her and I can't be together. God, I'd give anything to have her.....
People say I should move on, but nobody can begin to understand why that's impossible for me. I had my life mapped out with her. Everything about my future made sense and was clicking together. I had finally got to meet her in person and I fell harder than ever before for her.... within the way we'd kiss, hug, and just look at eachother. She was going to come visit soon and we were going to finally have the beautiful moment of falling asleep together.... which was always one of her most favorite thoughts because I gave deep detail how that'd be. The jist is that I would've ran my fingers over her soft skin and caress her cheek.... maybe run my fingers through her hair as I whisper loving things to her.... and I'd watch her, in her most peaceful place as she drifts off to sleep and I'd feel happy.... at home.... in her embrace. And I saw us starting our life together soon after... waking up to one another each morning with the gentleness of a touch and the passion of a sweet goodmorning kiss. But that's gone.... everything I want in life is gone.... and why? Where did I go so wrong in life to see the love of my life drift away from me.... and worst of all, she's with another guy now. A guy who will never NEVER dedicate himself like I have.... and she even knows that. A guy who did/does drugs and yet she calls me unpure.... he ignores her from time to time and it's painful to see her upset about it because 1. She deserves better treatment than that, and 2. That I never ignored her.... I always made all my time for her because that's what made me happy and it was an added bonus that it made her happy too. It's sad to think that he gets tired of her and has to ignore her... when he should feel utmost lucky to even have her to begin with. She's an angel and he's not going to give her the time of day to appreciating what she may do for him.
I hate crying every day, I hate feeling life fly by me without my angel to share it with. Every day feels the same except for one detail, that each and every goddamn day is the worst day of my life. Usually after a breakup, you start to heal as time progresses, but 2 1/2 weeks about has gone by and I hurt more each day. And I am forced to hide behind smiles.... nobody could look at me and see how much I'm shattering. I could stand in the middle of a crowd and yet, I'd feel like a blank face in an empty room. I just don't understand what changed. Our relationship was going amazing, we were skyping just about every day and talking on the phone again. We were really happy.... talking about life together and out of nowhere we just fall apart.... and I feel so distant from her when in all reality, I know everything about her. I know what makes her laugh, cry, happy.... I know the important things like why the ring she wears on her middle finger left hand is so important to her. I know even the irrelevant little things like why she has a classroom size whiteboard mounted on her wall in her bedroom. She wanted to be a teacher when she was a little girl and she'd use the whiteboard to "teach her kids".
I feel I'm the only guy who deserves to have her. I'm not concieted, I just KNOW in all my heart that I'd never stop proving to her each and every day why and how much I love her.
I want her..... more than anything else in the world. I want to feel alive again. I hate waking up with no sense of direction. I hate waking up with nothing to look forward to. God, I miss her.... I miss being such an important part of her life..... she'll just never understand the lifechaging impact she made on me.
...I...... I love her.....
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